The "Codifying Manipulation Awards"

Why is Nicole Kidman really going to show up on Wednesday at the CMAs? To support her husband? To be seen by a national television audience after the writers’ strike canceled her late night appearance this week? To calm those rumors about her marriage and her appearance? It's all of the above. I am also going to go out on a limb and predict that because of their front row seating arrangement we will see these same pictures of these two for the next two years. And why not? This is the Kidman style; a hybrid of the style created by her former husband. Get a good series of pictures shot in a way that she controls, and the tabloids have shots to use for whatever stories they or Kidman's PR people are going to come up with. If it works don't fix it, right? Wrong. It's not working and, Nicole, this is where we the skeptics can claim victory.

Remember Black Wednesday, November 16, 2005. One day, actually only ten hours, after Keith Urban received his award for Entertainer of The Year, People.com treated us to pictures of Kidman and Urban in Boston with a ring on her finger. The person known as Keith Urban died on that day. He became known as Kidman’s boyfriend/ fiancé. He became a pawn in the Nicole Kidman vs. her former husband battle. Keith, still to this day, doesn't matter. It is always about Nicole and will be even after they eventually divorce. There she was with her self-purchased ring on, playing “are they” or “aren't they”. She used the publicists’ dream machine People magazine to get her story across. The first magazine pictures of these two were in People and its sister publication in Australia, Who. It got Nicole what she wanted: her fairy tale wedding. We all believe they are happy and she is aging naturally, don't we? Nicole, the interesting thing about this is that after two years we still don't believe either about you.

The methods that Kidman used to push this idea of her happiness, photos, sightings and strategically published articles don't work anymore. Those of us who have a college education in Publicity 101 have seen that those methods don't work because there is something much more powerful; that is the internet. Blogs, message boards, and columnists all have a power that Kidman and Camp Kidman can't manipulate. There are actually “real” people at these events that Kidman and Keith attend, and they will often go on the ‘net and tell their story, and often that's not what Kidman wants you to know. For instance, at the ARIA’s there was this united front of a happy, happy couple that the whole red carpet saw. What wasn't seen was that when Kidman arrived and saw the cameras, she took her coat off to display her see-through dress. Miss “afraid of the sun” didn't wear sunglasses nor a hat and she knew exactly what she was doing by wearing that dress. She knew that in LA and New York her one true love was "presenting" his new wife at his movie premiere. I know that one of the goals of Wednesday night is to get in the tabs the same week as her former husband’s first wedding anniversary. What people didn't see (except on Youtube) from the ARIA’s was how bored Kidman was during the telecast. She wasn't there other than to wear that dress. Even her blown kisses to Keith were sent after she saw where the camera was. That is the power of the Internet. People magazine was exposed in a CNN special about publicity and it was the great Ted Casablanca who pointed out that People is where PR teams send ready-made articles that push their clients’ agendas.

Kidman can say she hasn't had any work done to her body, but the power of pictures proves otherwise. She can say that she spent her first wedding anniversary with her husband, yet there were no pictures or witnesses. She can say there was a fireworks display for her birthday and a party for his, but since there is no one coming forward with pictures or talking about it, there isn't proof; and that is what is undoing this whole facade. Kidman uses the media, but yet the internet shows the subtle manipulation she uses. Look at the power of the internet with Kidman and her smoking. She claims she doesn't smoke, yet there are pictures that were published on Laineygossip.com that prove she has in the past. This creates a sense of doubt about what she is saying. As a skeptic this gives me a sense of hope. If she plays games with the media about her looks and her habits you don't have to be a genius to see she is doing that about her marriage.

That is why the People magazine interview with Keith doesn't really bother me. I seriously doubt that Keith Urban believes any of the drivel he professed in his paean to Kidman. He, above anyone else, has seen how the game works from Kidman's end to the other side which is proving this fairy tale isn't how it is being depicted. Keith wins Male Vocalist due to his stellar performance this year? Kidman and Keith make out on the front row - who cares? The truth is out there and it always rises above the slime.

My Wish for the CMA's

If, and that's a BIG IF, Mr. Kidman wins an award tomorrow night, my wish is that instead of being presented with one of those "awards", he is presented with a GOAT. A real live goat. That way he can thank his Beautiful, Beautiful Princess in the most appropriate way. He can give her the goat she longs for to live with on her farm in Nashvillle. And, I truly hope that the goat has to sit in her lap for the length of the show. Wouldn't that make a beautiful, beautiful photo op?

A definition from the Urban Dictionary

I would like to refocus your attention on the well thought out and completely nebulous phrase “international commitments”. It was used as the reason for Keith and his people to cancel 10 gigs in Europe in October. That phrase caused a tremendous amount of speculation as to what it meant in terms of Keith’s career and personal life.

No better time like the present to review just what those "international commitments" turned out to be.

The first of October started in Oz with a bang, actually a crash, but in the end it was just a mishap. No conflicts there.

After spending the weekend playing with the wife in New York, it was off to Nashville to tape the CMT Invitation Only event on the 11th. You know the event where only the local fans were invited to send in their head shot if they wanted to be considered to attend the taping. ‘Nuff said.

But wait! Conflict #1; on the 10th and 11th he was to have played in Munich and Frankfurt. So for those fans, the CMT taping was his “international commitment”.

Remaining in Nashville, Keith attended the ASCAP Songwriters Awards event on the 14th. Keith wasn’t nominated for an award that evening but he went to click rings and hang out. Nice picture with Taylor Swift too.

But wait! Conflict #2; on the 14th he was to have played in Berlin. So for those fans the ASCAP event was his “international commitment”.

Later that week, Keith went to LA to tape the talk show circuit. The Tonight Show on the 17th and then taping the Ellen show on the 18th. The 19th was a busy day for Keith. He was on After Midnight, then Jimmy Kimmel Live. We all know the Ellen show didn’t happen but he stayed to play for the audience.

But wait! Conflict #3; on the 17th he was to have played in Belfast. The 19th he was to have played in London. So for those fans the LA talk show circuit was his “international commitment”.

As for the remaining cancelled concert dates; the 20th in Manchester, 21st in Glasgow, 23rd in Birmingham and the 25th in Dusseldorf, he was probably traveling between the US and Oz. Maybe following the wife around while she prepared for his 40th birthday bash. Who knows?

But wait! So for those fans his “international commitments” were…zip, nada, zilch, nothing.

So there you have it! According to the Urban “Balanced Life” Dictionary, first edition, International commitments = shameless self-promotion.

Too bad Keith didn’t think that the fans in Europe were worth the amount of face time/air time he received in the US. Celebrities need to remember what they say and what is published about them is not forgotten and is rather easily retrieved.

Planning on going back to Europe anytime soon Keith? You might want to wait on that, or maybe just visit as a tourist.

Dear Keith,

We, the fans, are embarrassed... aren't you?

Britney & Nicole - Viva la Difference?

Is it so far fetched to compare these two famewhores? Let's look at the obvious facts, in no particular order.

Both dropped out of school.
Both got famous at an early age.
Both had men marry them for money and fame.
Both seem to need to go to the plastic surgeon from time to time.
Both have two children.
Both have dabbled in unorthodox religions.
Both are addicted to fame.
Both have the paparazzi on speed dial.
Both have strained relationships with their mothers.
Both have close almost too close relationships with their sisters.
Both have careers that are failing and/or faulty.
Britney listened to Keith Urban music while in rehab.
Nicole was responsible for ruining Keith Urban's music and driving him to rehab.
Both say very questionable things to the media that lead to questions about their stability.
Both have children that are being raised by their fathers.

and it goes on and on

Yes there is a vast age difference, Kidman is now over 40 and Spears is only 25, but both in this writers opinion, are two train wrecks we can't help but watch.

Did I mention they both have cellulite?

The Many Phases of Keith Urban-Kidman

It’s been a busy month for Keith Urban-Kidman. He’s been bouncing back and forth between the US and Oz, which has given us the chance to see many sides of Keith. A few of them are listed here, such as “Private”, “Confused”, “Uncomfortable”, “D-List”, “Suck Up”, and “Pawn”.

After listening to the interviews, it seems that most interviewers in the US that know Keith will talk about his music, and then maybe (and most probably) mention his personal life. In Oz, it seems that his personal life is far more interesting than his music. That doesn’t seem to bother the “private” Keith. Keith Kidman likes to talk about his marriage more than his music there.

Keith did the talk show circuit in L.A., but it didn’t quite turn out like it was planned. Jimmy Kimmel, who obviously doesn’t know all that much about Keith, wanted to talk about his wife which made the “confused” Keith do a good deal of fidgeting. Jimmy’s other guest that evening helped Keith out talking about him as a picker. Nice save Terry Bradshaw! Keith was not only “confused”, but “uncomfortable”.

Then the Ellen show didn’t go quite right either. That was the week she had the mishap with the puppy. Hmmm, upstaged by a puppy. Well, puppies are like babies, we all love them, so that’s okay Keith. It was cool of Keith to stay and play for the crowd that had assembled to see him and the band. That was an “Urban” moment.

Back in Oz, Keith attended the ARIA’s, the event for music much like the Grammy’s in the US. Red carpet, lots of reporters, lots of photographers and lots and lots of fans lining the way. All was good until someone noticed that Keith’s wife was walking the red carpet with him. Hmmm, upstaged by the wife. Well, Keith’s wife, unlike puppies and babies, is not loved by all, so it’s not okay, Keith.

They do love her in Oz. So much so that she is the one that made all the headlines. Not because she has any real talent for anything, but because she was wearing a black lace see-through handkerchief for a dress with beige shoes adorned with pompoms that looked like bedroom slippers. She signed autographs and smiled for pictures. Lots and lots of pictures of her in that dress, bending over, showing off her, um, underwear, which thank heavens she had on. This just after an interview where she stated she only dresses for her husband. That outfit was for the benefit of the paparazzi, not for Keith. Interesting that she was given a coat to put on by her publicist. Thank you for that Ms. Day. There were a few pictures of the “D-list husband” Keith, but you have to hunt for those.

The musical talent that converged in the building that evening had to be phenomenal. The press hardly mentioned Keith or any of the other musicians at the event that evening. Silverchair won a bunch of awards and hardly got any press. Keith performed with the John Butler Trio and he was amazing. He was on, looked happy and sounded great. Another one of those “Urban” moments.

Winning that award had to be a much needed musical pat on the back for Keith. How nice that the “suck up” Keith was able to properly thank his wife for her inspiration. And how nice that he conveniently forgot his fans that made the album, thus the nomination, thus the award, possible. So, his wife is his savior, and she also was the inspiration for an album that consists of songs that were mostly done before their “relationship”.

Keith will be back in the US to start the next leg of his tour this week. This leg doesn’t allow for many long breaks. Wonder how he’s going to accomplish the “12 day rule” of running back to Oz to pander to the wife?

The CMA Awards will take place on November 7th. Keith will be performing. He is nominated. Will they do the red carpet in Nashville? Will she blow him kisses? Will she be seen looking down while he’s performing? She doesn’t dance when he performs, she says. She only dances in the kitchen! Or pole dances on yachts when the paparazzi are around.

The two nights following the CMA’s, the wife will be on the New York talk show circuit. Will she be uncomfortable when she is asked why she isn’t happy in her marriage? Will she be uncomfortable when they talk about Keith’s wins (or lack thereof) at the CMA’s? Nope. You see, they will only talk about her! It’s all about her after all. Which leads to the last and most encompassing phase of Keith, the “pawn”.

How many phases of Keith can you find? Play at your own risk!

Nicole Kidman Needs a Time Out

Where to start? Someone, somewhere, thought Nicole Kidman had something worthy to say again. Maybe because she says such insipid stuff or is it because she was married to Tom Cruise that these editors know she will get a headline? Why? Who knows, but Kidman has been spewing her load of wretched doublespeak, this time to Interview Magazine. Interview, founded by Andy (everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes) Warhol. Interview, a magazine that felt Keith Urban was worthy of two interviews in a two month period last year. These editors in their New York City high rises haven't a clue as to what the average, normal, functioning human being finds interesting. But they put Kidman and her waning popularity on the cover. What she had to say was again either the ravings of one who's botox has seeped into her skull, or her noticeable lack of formal education causes her to resort to over-talking and connecting ideas that have no place being connected.

What did she say? Basically, who cares? And that is it. She insults Keith Urban every time she opens her mouth. She insults her children in verbiage. She insults the person who is reading the interview. I have reached my limit.

I don't hate Nicole Kidman. I wouldn't pay any attention to her except she forced all of us to acknowledge her presence in Keith Urban's life. I am not going to rehash the PR relationship. Anything he tries to do positively for his career is trumped by her coming into the mix and reminding the world he was nothing until her. Well Nicole, he was and is someone, even if you don't see that. I am so sick of your babble about love and relationships. It is somewhat easy if you don't like where you are - MOVE. If you can't love the person you are with find someone else. What makes your life all that worthy of anyone’s concern? How many of us have been left by our partners? How many of us have to raise kids in a very tricky world? You aren't unique, you aren't even comparable. So what do we do?

I propose that in January of 2008 we ignore Nicole Kidman. Starting in January - no more talking about her. No posting articles about her on web sites or internet message boards. Ignore her. Forget she exists. Freeze the Granny Freeze. No comments regardless of what happens. We all know that no one watches her movies. Avoid her on TV; don't buy magazines that put her on the cover. Perhaps, just perhaps, ignoring her we can all get some peace of mind. I doubt she will care nor notice, narcissists only look at themselves. It will make me feel much better jumping off a ship she has been steering for way too long.

Savior or Warden? A Reflection on Rehab

We actually like Keith Urban. Some of the commenters and a certain fan site down-under paint us as harpy shrews that couldn't have Keith or are jealous of Keith and his marriage or eat repulsive amounts of junk food. Nah, we are just wise to a number of facts that seem to go over others heads. Today I want to reflect on Keith before rehab, particularly that time between June 25 and October 20, 2006. Keith, the fans, and some around him seemed to not acknowledge what was going on. For Keith, it’s obvious why. Others didn't want to acknowledge that something was amiss.

But in retrospect one person in particular had to know what was going on and that person was Nicole Kidman. Some feel that ever since her gaze took in Keith at G’Day LA in January 2005, Kidman has been on a quest to control him. And if you look at the past you can see how this has worked. First, she eliminated the competition. Second, she went after Keith's inner circle. Many of the people near and dear to Keith are gone and they acknowledge that it was the Kidman influence that drove them away. Currently, there are several people who, while they may work for Keith Urban, have a dual allegiance to Mrs. Urban (oops, I mean Mrs. Kidman - I forgot she asks hotel staff to refer to her as that). Are they on her payroll? Would it matter? There are people out there who "help" keep Keith stable. Third, she has alienated Keith from his music and his fans. He was accessible; he no longer is, and if she is on tour he is unapproachable. His music has suffered because there has been an overriding need to connect his recent songs to his personal life.

A year ago all of these things were in place or were happening, and many didn't see it. But Kidman knew. More importantly, how could she not have missed the sorry state her husband was in? In looking at pictures from this period, Keith appears wasted a great deal. Was he? Apparently, he may have been. With all the people in his inner circle gone and his fans only really seeing him in pictures, he had just a few dates in 06. Who had the most access to him? Yes, his wife. Why did she let it get so bad that he had to go to rehab? Why couldn't she have stopped him from hitting bottom? Was she an enabler? Was she the cause of his slip from recovery? I don't know. Perhaps she did play a part in his slide. He was the one who fell but she was the one who was standing there watching, and according to many around at the time, you couldn't miss what was happening.

He now gives her credit for his survival. Why? Because she made a call or two to get Keith in Betty Ford? Why was that? If you look at the posed PR snaps, the first time ever anyone got the paparazzi on the grounds of the Betty Ford Center, I will venture to say it was not about Keith getting healthy and more about a photo op for Kidman. She flew to another country for the holidays. She was only spotted at Betty Ford three times in the three months he was there.

Does Kidman deserve the praise she gets from her husband? No.

It is more and more apparent that Keith was entered into rehab to get out of the glare of any more “distasteful” stories. That was the real disease wasn't it Nicole? Your husband was a human being who had issues.

Since he has been out she has taken him to events over and over that will test his will to stay sober. Yes, he does choose to go, but what if didn't? Does he really have a choice? I know I am preaching to the choir here, but how can the world not see that this is a marriage of photo ops and one-upmanship. It makes one wonder where Keith would be without her? I will venture a guess that it might in a happier place with someone he loves (and who loves him) by his side that no one knows nor cares about. Having the best career he ever could and perhaps being able to keep his demons down.

Keith & Nicole in NYC

A conversation between Keith and Nicole at the Carlisle in NYC, the afternoon of the premiere of her movie, Margot at the Wedding:

Keith: So baby…tonight is the premiere of your movie…are you nervous?

NK: Are you on something? Are you? Of course I’m not nervous. I’m Nicole Kidman…I’ve won an Oscar, you know.

Keith: Right...sure. So…do you want me to go with you…or do you prefer to do the red carpet on your own?

NK: Well, of course I don’t want you near me when I do the red carpet…you just don’t look right on my arm. But you will take me to the premiere and bring me home. We want everyone to know how totally dedicated you are to me.

Keith: You mean you want me to escort you to the theatre and wait til you’re done? Just hang out there for you?

NK: Do you have a problem with that?

Keith: No…no…of course not, baby. Sounds great. I can wait with the chauffeurs.

NK: And I don’t want you to talk about that ridiculous accident on your motorcycle. It is bound to detract from my night…so if they ask you, deny it even happened. And I’m going to tell them it was essentially nothing. So get your story straight.

Keith: Well, I tried to tell them it was a minor incident.

NK: It wasn’t even an incident…it was NOTHING.

Keith: OK… the road rash and contusions are nearly healed and of course, the pain from the broken bones in my foot is much better. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, anyway.

NK: Good. And I’ve found one of Tom’s suits for you to wear. They’re so nice…I love to lay in bed with them and roll around on them and just smell them. Oh…I miss my Tom….erhh….I mean, I think that the suit will fit you without alteration. And if it needs a nip or tuck here or there, I have pins.

Keith: You mean that striped suit on the bed in your bedroom?

NK: Yes…don’t you like it? Tom looked so handsome in it. He loved that suit. I kept it after we…well I hate to say it…after we … uhmm…split up. That was such a mistake…he’ll regret that someday. But anyway…you are going to wear it and that’s it.

Keith: Well … to be honest, it isn’t really my style. I have a different suit that I think would be better for me.

NK: Are you saying you refuse to wear Tom’s suit that I picked out for you?

Keith: I’m not refusing to wear it, Nic. But it doesn’t really fit well and … it was Tom’s. I mean, I’d rather not wear his suit.

NK: Well like it or not, you’re wearing it. Get used to the idea. And Tom’s shoes with the lifts in them are at the end of my bed. Feel free to pick the suit and the shoes up and take them to your bedroom to change.

Keith: I don’t want to wear lifts, Nic. I don’t care if you’re taller than I am. Everyone knows that … it’s not a secret.

NK: I’m sick of feeling like I’m dating my dumpy son. You’ll wear the lifts and look like you are enjoying yourself. Is that clear? And then, can you come to my room and do my toes?

Keith: Yeah, that’s clear. What color of polish do you want?

NK: Red I think…yes, that’ll look good with my white or beige dress. Which do you think?

Keith: I think you should try something with a bit more color personally…

NK: Are you questioning my sense of style? I supposed you’re going to tell me that my hair is all wrong too?

Keith: Nic…I was just expressing an opinion. And I really think you would look better in a dress that isn’t so bland…and maybe you could give your hair a bit of color too? I loved your red hair…like in Dead Calm…that was really beautiful.

NK: Are you joking? You have no taste at all. By the way, while you’re out with me … when you hold my hand and walk out there in front of me, look protective. Everyone needs to understand that you adore me. I want them to know how much you adore me…is that clear?

Keith: Yes, Nic. I’ll smile and squeeze your hand and make everyone believe we adore each other.

NK: Don’t worry about me...show them how much YOU adore ME. And if anyone makes an attempt to talk to me or look at me or make eye contact with me, tell them to stop. I don’t want anyone to even think that they can look at me, except Rupert of course.

Keith: Right…no eye contact, no talking. Sounds like a fantastic time.

NK: Are you being sarcastic?

Keith: Never, baby. It sounds like your kind of night, that’s for sure.

NK: It IS my night. And if Isadora and Cletus call…tell them that Mummy is busy and I’ll call them some time next week. I’m sick of their whining that I don’t have time for them. We had three lovely days together last July…they are so selfish and demanding.

Keith: They’re just kids, Nic. I think it’s nice that they want to see you. When they came to my show in LA, I was really excited to have them there.

NK: Well, then … you spend time with them. They bore me…I guess you have something in common with them, after all! You all bore me.

A Sneak Peek into Urban's Greatest Hits

We at Urban Myths are happy to give all of you a sneak peak into Keith Urban's Greatest Hits. We have learned that Keith got his beautiful, beautiful princess in the studio to record a remake of the Barbra Streisand/ Neil Diamond hit You Don't Bring Me Flowers. The lyrics have been changed to reflect the happy couple’s current relationship. Since we could get into big trouble if we had an actual link to the song… we have to settle for the lyrics.

Here is a guide to the vocal parts...
K = Keith Urban
BBP = Keith's contractual wife

BBP - You don't bring me flowers
K - But I sing you stupid love songs
BBP - You hardly talk to me anymore when you come through the door after your 17 hour flight.
K - You never tell anyone you love me just that you can't live without a child
BBP - Now after we have done some photo ops - when its good for you
even if we fight- you walk out and get on that damn motorbike
K - Well you expect me to hang at your work day and night
BBP - You never send me flowers anymore

K - It used to be so natural to talk about you being my savior
but used to be’s don't count anymore when you talk about your
first husband and never mention me

BBP - Baby just remember all the things I taught you. I taught you
how to smile when you’re very depressed, I showed you how to lie because it was the best. I even made you go to rehab when all you needed was a rest.

K - Well you know someday I will tell you goodbye
BBP - No you know I will tell you when its time to tell me goodbye
BBP - You never send me flowers anymore

K + BBP - Yes we can't wait til we can say goodbye

K - You never really needed me
BBP - You seem to just want my money

K+BBP - We don't really care about flowers, it’s just for show

I can't wait for the video - can you???