Sunday, July 22, 2007

Keith, Nicole, Antonia & Hugh go to a Footy Match in Sydney

All four arrive in the stands at the soccer match, ready for an enjoyable afternoon.

Hugh: Hey Keith, I think you and I are on opposite sides. Are you a Swanny man?

Keith: (Laughing) Well, mate, I’m more a Carlton man, myself. But I think we can manage to sit near each other without coming to blows.

NK: Well, I’m the ambassador to this team, so if you think you’re cheering for Carlton, you are wrong, Keith.

Keith: Baby, it’s just a game…I’ve loved Carlton since I was a kid.

NK: Well, too bad. Anyway, can you get me a drink? I’d like a nice fruity drink…a daiquiri, perhaps.

Keith: Don’t think they have anything like that here, and to be honest, I’d prefer to stay clear from alcohol.

NK: You’re the alcoholic…not me. If you can’t get a daiquiri, get me a rum and diet coke, then. See, I can be just like the common people.

Keith: (takes deep breath) OK baby…I’ll be right back.

NK: Wait…is that person over there looking at me? Are they looking directly at me? I can’t believe this. Go and tell them not to look at me…and certainly tell them not to speak directly to me.

Keith: Nic, they’re just curious, because they’ve recognized you and they are admirers. Just relax, they’re just surprised to see us together at this event.

NK: Surely you don’t think they’re looking at you. It’s me they’re looking at…for God’s sake, that’s laughable.

Keith: Yes, baby. (Keith starts down toward the concession stands and is approached by the people for an autograph; after getting her drink and a hot dog for himself, he returns)

NK: Did those people actually talk to you?

Keith: Yeah, they were very nice. They were at my show here in Sydney.

NK: And you gave them an autograph? How many times have I told you not to be so obliging? I supposed they wanted one from me.

Keith: Well, to be honest, they didn’t ask for one from you. They just asked for mine.

NK: What? You have to be kidding. They didn’t want MY autograph?

Keith: I didn’t say that baby, they just didn’t ask for it. Maybe they’ll come over and ask you personally.

NK: Well, I would think not…surely they know better than to approach me directly…surely they know not to look at me directly. Can’t you get them to announce that over the PA system…surely they would do that, so that people stop looking at me and no one attempts to speak with me.

Keith: Nic…to be honest, I don’t think anyone is going to approach you. Everyone is pretty into the game here. Just relax and enjoy.

NK: Well, if you won’t support me, fine. (pouting)

Keith: Please baby, you know how much I admire you and appreciate all you’ve done for me. (handing her the drink)

NK: I’d be hard pressed to know that. You are never here for me…off touring and putting your career before me. It’s killing me. I didn’t even get flowers for the first day in Darwin.

Keith: Nic, I sent flowers, but they didn’t get there til the second day on set. I tried really hard to get them there for the first day…but I think the new necklace made it, didn’t it?

NK: Yes…I got the necklace. God, I think Hugh got his wife something similar for her birthday last year. It was absolutely embarrassing. (sipping her drink) Eating again, I see. Do you have a bottomless pit for a stomach?

Keith: It’s a hot dog, baby. I haven’t eaten since breakfast. (Just as Keith is talking, one of the players gets hit hard and is down on the ground, bleeding profusely from a face wound. A doctor is dispatched to the field)

NK: I am quite cold (wraps her woolen scarf tighter around her neck)…do you think my face is moving? I think my botox is wearing off. What do you think? Do you think it’s wearing off? (she has a hideous grin frozen on her face)

Keith: Looks pretty immobile to me, sweetheart. It’s fine (refocusing on the activities on the field)

NK: No…I can feel it move. Call the doctor immediately. He can come up here and give me a treatment…He’s here, I saw him as we were coming in, so I know he’s in the building.

Keith: The game's just gotten going, baby and one of the players is hurt. Maybe we can wait til after the game.

NK: I said call my doctor. This is an emergency situation…people are LOOKING at me.

Keith: (Dials his cell phone) Hello, doctor. Yes, this is Keith Urban and my wife, is in urgent need of a botox treatment…her face is slightly mobile. I saw her eye brows actually move once….(*pause) .. Oh, I see. Of course. OK, we’ll call you back in a couple of hours. Yes, I understand. Good luck with that.

NK: A couple of hours…what the f*ck is up with that? I’m in a crisis here.

Keith: He’s down there treating the player, who has a possible spinal injury, a head injury and a severe laceration to his face. He is pretty badly hurt, baby.

NK: What the f*ck are you talking about? This is MY emergency. Get him on the phone and tell him to get his ass up here. My face has moved, for God’s sake. People are looking at me and my face is starting to slip here.

Keith: OK... OK… But baby, you look fine…so don’t get all in a state. No one is really looking anyway. (He dials his phone again)

NK: What are you saying…that no one is looking at me? I am a major motion picture actress… of course people are looking at me. Aren’t they looking at me?? I think they are. Aren’t they taking pictures of me? I think that there are lots of pictures being taken. I told Wendy to get some people here to take pictures of me…I told Wendy to have them here. I’m sure that they’re taking pictures…lots of pictures.

Keith: Hello, Doctor. It’s Keith Urban again…yes, I know. Yes…but…yes….yes, I know you are attending an emergency, but Nicole…yes….yes….OK…sorry, right. I’m very sorry.

NK: What are you doing?

Keith: Baby, I’m hanging up. The guy is with that player who is paralyzed from a broken back and needs his help. It’s serious.

NK: My FACE is moving…MY Face is moving, for God’s sake. Get him up here…Lord…I am not impressed.

Keith: Sorry baby…it’s bigger than me. I just couldn’t convince him that you were a higher priority. But here, have a bite of my dog.

NK: Surely you are joking. I have never had a weiner in my mouth yet and it will NEVER happen, even if it’s yours.

Keith: Ok…that’s what I figured, but I thought it was worth a shot. Let’s just watch the game, baby. Shall I get you another drink?

NK: Yes, make it a double and make it snappy.


maclen said...

Interesting about these stories from Urban Myths of their trip to a soccer game... just yesterday I caught a little of Beckhams debut here in the states of his first exhibition game with new team LA Galaxy, with katie holmes and kid in attendance. Watching all the coverage, of their great friendship it seems with the tomkat, and etc... the contrast between kidman and escort and the tomkat struck me as interesting. While it seems tomkat are whirlwinds of social lala land powercouple networking and interaction, well known socializing with other bbfs, will smith and jada, out on the town with brooke shields and hubby, jLo and marc anthony... Now contrast it to kidman and Co...they appear to be social hermits. The only time you'll hear about their interactions with any of their peers is when she's making a movie with them, or at a premiere with them, and once that's over, its over. If you look at it, if Urban was thinking she was a path to celebrity success or business, it seems he's only anchored himself to a stagnating and sinking ship. A switch to a goat ranch in the desolate outback would be a much easier move than it would seem for them... not that I ever expect to hear that!

doublewide said...

maclen, i believe a "stagnating and sinking ship" just about sums it up....poor keith, downright depressing it is...

banbotox said...

She just has to be seething when she sees all the coverage and positive press that Tom and Katie are receiving and they probably don't have to pay the tabs to get on the covers!!!!!!!!

Karma is a bitch Nic.

notachance said...

Obviously tomkat & friends relish in the limelight. Maybe NK doesn't like to really have her personal time out there and that's why there are only "organized" sightings. We all know Keith IS that way. Maybe they truly are "two peas in a pod". Just sayin...

maclen said...

No, I still contend that shes just lousy at it, whether or not she likes it is just irrelevant to her success, of lack thereof. After getting dumped by Cruise she basically just had to whine about it in interviews, which she did for the past 6 years... well that's not working anymore. In fact I notice a more and more resigned apathy from her toward her movies... last year she did zero promo for Fur, she just went to the Rome Film festival with it, and that's it. No usual media junkets, magazine interviews, talk shows, no letterman, tonight show, good morning america. She also hasnt adapted to the newer, younger demographic media... youll never see her on TRL, Mtv...etc. She is such a soooo unhip cat..
oh yeah, back to urban... almost forgot about him, he is in serious trouble.

doublewide said...

No, I still contend that shes just lousy at it, whether or not she likes it is just irrelevant to her success, of lack thereof. After getting dumped by Cruise she basically just had to whine about it in interviews, which she did for the past 6 years... well that's not working anymore

i couldn't agree with you more maclen.....poor keith!

cricket said...

It's got to be killing her seeing all the press Tomkat and Suri are getting.All the cute pictures of them enjoying being a family.All she can come up with is pictures of her looking like Keiths grandma clutching his hand like he's trying to escape,while he looks miserable.Tom's out with his young,pretty,fertle wife,while poor Keith looks like he's taking his granny on an outing from the nursing home.Looks like Nicole's rush down the aisle backfired on her.Being with a hot good looking guy doesn't make her look better it just points out how old and haggy looking she is.