Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Truth Behind the Hank & Evie BSE Question...

This was sent to Urban Myths by the person that asked the question...

I have met Keith before during a Meet & Greet, but this was my first Back Stage Experience. The "experience" was different, but I must say I can't choose one as being better. I was hopeful he would choose me to ask a question, as I had a good one. Many had wondered – who were Hank and Evie? I recall the day he thanked the pair – "I'd like to than Hank and Evie out there tonight."

So there he was – Keith Urban – standing right in front of me; damn him for being so good looking. My hand was raised and mine was the last question of the night. I looked him in the eye to get a truthful reply and asked, "WHO……..are Hank and Evie?" "That's a good question," he said. Then he looked away from my eyes and paused, hesitated. At the time I felt surely he was making something up. Maybe however, he was wondering if he wanted to be truthful and divulge something so private; I don't know. But if these were their 'pet names' why would he share that when he won't even share what he last cooked for dinner? He was still pausing and hesitating, and finally said something like, "Hank and Evie were code names my wife and I had when we were first dating. We'd use them in e-mails and such so no one would know, so, Hank and Evie are us." He finally looked back at me, and smiled. Damn him again. He was adorable. But was he lying?

Here's the thing I always wondered…..if Hank and Evie were them, and he was standing on that stage with an award in his hand, why would he thank "Hank and Evie who are out there?" Why wouldn't he just thank Evie? Hank wasn't "out there", he was on the stage (if in fact he is really Hank). And if they were such a "couple", why wouldn't Evie have been there with him that night? That always seemed odd to me. "They" always seem odd to me though, so who knows?

I was recently "featured" in an article about Keith Urban. It was stated, "Urban recently revealed during a pre-concert fan question-and-answer session that in the early days of their relationship Kidman referred to him as Hank, and he to her as Evie." I was that fan. I am now famous! Everyone is going to want my autograph. Andrew Morton will want to write my biography. I am sure he'll include a photo of the pet goat I had as a child (no kidding). I'll wear a see-through dress (with a flesh colored girdle underneath). I am having my boobs done soon so Jamie can take my picture for the cover. In my case, I don't need a "job" – just a lift. (Unlike Nicole Kidman, I have birthed many children.) But, they will be even. I will gain royalties which of course will be split with Urban Myths, as this is where I was "discovered". Maybe I'll even be able to buy the farm!

Someone recently said that the new clothing line should have been called Skank and Stevie - Skank, well that's an obvious choice, but Stevie? That's after our friend, Stevie Wonder because Keith is blinded by Nicole Kidman's forehead.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Baby Tour '08 is Starting!

Get ready America, Nicole Kidman, a resident of the United States by birth, her hired husband Keith (I used to be important in Country Music, really I was) Urban have landed on our shores and are ready to start on the last of Keith's solo tours for 2008.

Last? Yes, for the six of you out there that are still Keith fans, with the exception of a twenty minute set at ten stops on Kenny Chesney's tour this summer, this will be the last time he is seen doing what he at one time said was like breathing for him, playing music. It's not really going to be that much different from the last tour. The same songs, the same prattle, the same dedication to his savior, Nicole Kidman; but wait! there may be something to add to this tour. Nope, I am not talking about Carrie Underwood, a woman who has the stage presence of a glass of milk

Nope this is Baby Tour 08!

Baby Tour 08, you are asking yourself? What do you mean Urban Myths? This tour isn't going to be about the blond divas, it is going to be about Keith Urban, producing the medical miracle that is before us: the impregnation of Nicole Kidman. Can't you see it now? The BSE’s will feature a barrage of inane questions about writing lullabies and how it will change him.

The added plus is that, the miracle gestating one herself, Kidman, will be along for the tour. The former award-winning, now box office poison actress, too delicate to film another flop, has no issues bumping around on a tour bus all over the country. Because this is how she will redeem herself. If you look at articles pre-Christmas Eve about Kidman you will notice none were positive. The reviews were horrid and the tabloids were making fun of her clothes and there was the issue of what her acquired children called her. It was bad for our Nic. Really bad. Then enter the baby. Kidman will spawn and now it is all about her. How she looks, feels, thinks. Forget about her craft. Forget about her past image. Forget about all those rumors about the true state of her marriage to Keith; those rumors about her being unable to have children; those rumors about her being manipulative and controlling and uncaring and cold all fade away; even the rumors about Keith and Carrie. It even circumvented her denying the Morton book, she is too delicate. This is the time for the fans in the United States to show the queen of Oz how much we adore her. As for this writer, I have some tickets for sale if anyone wants them. I can't wait to read all those reviews about how she sat in the crowd and he gave less than a stellar performance with a nauseating dedication.

Keith, what exactly are you getting out of all of this? Oh, yeah, fame!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Hank and Evie Don't Need Your Money

Did you hear that Keith and Kidman are now into ripping off Keith Urban fans? Yes, for the gosh awful sum of whatever the overpriced merchandise will sell for, the average concert-goer is making Nicole Kidman richer. According to a recent article Keith and Kidman have licensed the name Hank and Evie and are selling all related merchandise on keithurban.net or at concert venues under that label.

Well guess what? I will not buy any of it.

Merchandising is one of the ways an artist can make a lot of money from fans. The ticket price goes to too many; the venue gets its cut. For the most part, the proceeds from the shirts, hats, jewelry, etc., that are sold in the venue go back to the artist. Well, now that it is going into Nicole Kidman’s red scaly hands, I for one want no part of it.

So to paraphrase a song many of us know:

Take your T-shirt
take your bracelet
leave ‘em hanging
I don't need ‘em
leave my money for awhile
I won't pay for your lifestyle
but you'll need me someday....


Hank and Evie... the rumor is that that it actually wasn't about Kidman at all, but about others, and when cornered at a backstage experience this past August, Keith tried to cover his lies. There is a reason he never made a movie. He is a rotten actor...

Sunday, January 27, 2008

A Normal Life... Kidman Style

What is normal? Deciding what is and what isn’t can be tricky.

Webster says normal is agreeing with the standard or norm, natural, usual or regular; in good health, not ill, diseased or malformed, the usual condition.

If you look in any thesaurus there are many, many terms that you can use to describe normal i.e., conventional, natural, traditional, sane, rational, lucid, reasonable, well-adjusted and whole.

So what is it about Keith’s life that is normal? Granted we only get a glimpse of what his life is like, but let’s review what we know.

Friends…The only “friends” we see them with are their paid entourage. We’ve seen them with her sister’s friends or her parents. We’ve seen Keith with Nic’s body guards. But I’m quite sure that paid “friends” are not really friends, especially if you don’t pay them. Do anonymous drinking buddies count as friends? How about one night stands? Is your latest co-star considered your friend?

Family…We know that Nic has two children and for some reason has very little contact with them. We’ve seen Nic photographed with the prop-children. We’ve heard stories that Nic is very close to her dad, not close to her mum, then close to her mum, best friends with her sister, married to someone she doesn’t know very well but is her best friend and of course now she has always wanted to be pregnant and have a family of her own. Confused? I am.

Many of us have in-laws that we do not like but we always manage to figure out a way to get along for the sake of our spouses. Even if we don’t like them - they are considered family.

Keeping that in mind I would like to ask where are Bob and Marienne? Who, you ask? They are Nic’s in-laws. Keith has a brother and sister-in-law, too, in case you didn’t know.

So far, does any of this line up on the normal side? Not yet? We’ll keep going…

Home… Aaah yes, home. I use the term home here but there is a difference between a home and a house. A home is the place where we can let our hair down, relax, enjoy some quiet time and reconnect with your loved ones. Many of us have a home that we return to everyday. Many of us have only one home that we live in and maybe that home is close to our extended families or maybe it is close to where we work. It’s a nurturing place with good karma. If we are lucky, some of us might even have a vacation home on the beach or in the mountains.

A house is an asset. A house is where you can go to sleep rather than a hotel. A house is model-house clean because it is never lived in, never loved in.

I can tell you where they have houses but can you tell me where their home is?

Everyday life…We all need the basics - food, clothing, household supplies, etc. We go to the gym, attend functions, meetings, dinners out, and go shopping. Not necessarily the most exciting activities of our lives but something we all must do.

Have you ever had paparazzi snap photos of you coming out of Target? Has there ever been a wave of flashes go off when you walked out of a restaurant or when you were taking things out of the trunk of your car? Me neither, and after seeing the many faces of Nic, I’m rather glad. I’m going to venture a guess here that the reason you haven’t been snapped leaving your favorite barista is that it’s not special. Millions of folks just like you are doing the same thing everyday. Whether it’s getting coffee or having a baby, it’s just not tabloid worthy. Unless you are a certain someone that has the story “leaked” to the press that you are expecting, and then denies the news, then confirms the news. Whew! Hard to keep track of the ball on this one-kind of like a tennis match. But don’t worry -every moment will be caught for posterity by her paparazzi.

By the way, this week we are still on bump watch. Check it out at any grocery line or newsstand.

(Note to Nic…when you pay good money to have the paps available for those random, spontaneous moments, try to make nice for the camera).

How many synonyms for the normal have you been able to use to describe Keith’s life so far? A quick check of my notepad…ooops, still blank. Let’s try one more.

Professional Life
…Most of us try to keep our personal lives somewhat separate from our professional ones. Our co-workers and clients don’t want to hear us babble on and on about our spouses or children. It gets old and boring really fast. In the some careers, the work week is varied; the location of your job might be different all the time. Traveling might be required and even expected in your chosen career. It’s tough when you are away from your life like that. So, understandably, you would want to get back to your spouse every chance you could get - like say, every 12-13 days. Even if it meant a two-day commercial flight half-way around the world, right? So let’s say you decide to do the flight so you can spend some quality time with her…at her job site, holding her purse and water bottles. Alas, quickly your time is up and you must get back on the plane to spend the next two days getting back to your career. Before you know it, the process starts all over again in less than two weeks. Fun, huh? After trying that routine 3 or 4 times you’re probably not feeling ready to jump back into that assigned seat onboard? Call in sick; everyone will understand….you can call it international commitments.

Everyday, you decide for yourself what normal is and isn’t. We hope to live our lives with minimal drama and pain. We do what we can to stay away from the bizarre, deviant, eccentric, peculiar, unusual and weird.

Life, Kidman style, is not a thing of beauty and it’s definitely not normal.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The First Annual Urban Myths Awards

If we had an official ceremony and a red carpet event, Kidman would show up, so we decided to not do anything formal, but we'll just hold a quiet party in the back booth of a Nashville bar - you know "that" booth. We promise that there will be no passing out...

Let’s go straight to the awards!!!

The most outrageous moment for Nicole Kidman:
There were so many, so, so many, that the editors here at Urban Myths had to really think about it but ...the winner is:


Nicole in her Britney-slut wear at the Arias in October 2007. She has worn ridiculous outfits in the past, but this really showed how desperate she is.

The most outrageous moment for Keith Urban:
Making a call from a radio studio in Australia and talking to his beautiful, beautiful princess.

Runner up:

  • Leaving Germany when he was finally rediscovering the joy of massage.

Best couple moment for the Kidmans:

Runners' up:
  • We had the tension at the Oscars where the only oral gratification Keith could get was from multiple In and Out burgers.
  • The St Bart's vacation - where we all got to see Keith in swimming trunks and Kidman doing a pole dance
  • The carnival ride in Oz when Kidman wore her hair just like her acting hero Buffy Davis from Family Affair - Keith played a great Mrs. Beasley!
  • The birthday party for her sister where Kidman reportedly got drunk, had a fight with Keith and still looked like a bad, bad train wreck
  • The so in love pictures taken at the Arias - if you look closely you will see that Kidman is scoping out where the camera is and kneeling down to get the love pose with Keith. Keith is, of course, oblivious.
  • The CMA's, the Golden Compost opening in London, Maggot's opening in New York - seeing Keith wear big boy clothes
But the best moments, the times that they were supposedly together, but maybe they weren't: Her birthday, their anniversary and his birthday. Sorry, we didn't want to see these pictures and of course they would have had to be together to get those.

Urban Myths Best Writer Award:
Wendy Day - she is spewing so much stuff she can't keep it all straight.

Urban Myths Best Gossip Site:
Laineygossip.com. While Lainey has had periods where the Kidmans have not been talked about in her funny, well-written prose, recently she has come back with a number of jabs at Kidman. Love ya, Lainey!


Best Gossip Personality:
Perez Hilton - from his coverage of Amanda to his current jabs at the botox whore we think things will get better and better in the new year.


Best Blog about Kidman:
Nicole Kidman’s Forehead- this is a witty place, a fun place, and a place where the truth is being told.


Best fantasy site:
Nicolekidmanunited - my goodness, those are real people that write those posts.


Best use of paid employees:
The posters on various Keith Urban fan sites to garner an interest in Keith. "OHMYGOSH THAT KEITHY IS SO MY MAN!!" And "Me and the little missus loaded up the trunk and flew all the way around the world just because we like him."


Best message board:
E!Online, because even if they are wrong they are so very entertaining - and are they wrong????


Best waste of money:
Monkeyville or anything involving Greatest Hits or Love Pain and the Hard on I Used to Get.


Keith Urban's best way to waste money, fuel and time:
Flying all over the world to see the contractual wife.
  • Runner up:
    That damn tattoo on his arm
The smartest two people in the world:
Bella and Connor Cruise - who were only seen with their Nicole twice this year.

Most missed person in Keithworld:
Mum

  • Runner up:
    Keith
Best way to enjoy a Keith Concert:
It’s a tie!

Sit down during the dreaded dedicated song and sing the Urban Myths version of it.

Looking for Thumper trying to escape.

The most anticipated event for next year:

Runners' up:
  • House and Gardens 28 page layout of the Nashville Farm
  • “He told me he loved me”
  • “Another 15 minutes and more plastic surgery”
  • “The farmer in me” - Nicole Kidman and her new career: Cheese Maker
  • Keith's sold out tour of Motel Six lounges, and
  • Greatest Hits Vol 2: The Adopted Kids - Keith singing other's hits because his muse is Gone with the Fugly Wind.
Winner:
The nine months it will take to produce faux baby Kidman.

and finally!

The moment that was the most important in all of the muck we have had to witness this year:

Runners' up:
  • "I have never had any plastic surgery, I don't smoke and I stay out of the sun""
  • "I would like a goat so I can get some cheese"
  • "I love him; I live for him" (said in both 1998 and 2007)
  • "Keith told me he wants a few years just with me so we aren't having a baby"
  • "We’re not not trying"
  • "Keith isn't used to this, so he doesn't do red carpets"
  • "Keith is really very good, you can take my word for it"

And the winner…..

drum roll…..

"I was concussed, it was terrible."

Someday this whole thing will end, and we will look back at this and laugh. Or, Kidman will have a botox overdose. Or, Keith will get caught doing what Keith does best.. Until then hold on tight, this ride is always bumpy.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

This is a very serious issue...

While we are on our quest for the truth about the Kidman pregnancy, we can't disregard the recent deaths of Brad Renfro and Heath Ledger, nor ignore all that is Britney. Why tie these stories onto the Kidman wagon?

Because those of us who have followed Keith Urban know that he too could very easily fall off the very ledge all these people were, and are, on. A year ago when Keith went to rehab many really weren't aware of how serious Keith's addictions are. They are serious. Sobriety is a minute by minute struggle for addicts, and makes no mistake about it Keith Urban is an addict. For all the quick quips and snickering about him being a druggie and booze hound, especially in the Australian press, there has been little about how Keith has survived the last year in his sobriety. We know he goes to meetings. Those are highlighted by the paps following him, tipped off by the wife and her people.

The legend is as he paints it, according to script, that he is here because of her. We don't agree. Keith Urban is here because of Keith Urban. He chose to stay in treatment. He chose to continue his therapy in aftercare. Perhaps his actions of the last year are indications that he is evolving in his sobriety.

Whatever he has been doing it will never be enough, he will never be cured. For the rest of his life he will be riding that wave that brings the most brilliant sunshine and could in a matter of seconds capsize him. As we hear more and more about the above people and what has happened or not happened in their tragedies, remember as many of us did when we heard “overdose” and “Australian”, that it’s not something of myths; not something that is made, like his performance with his wife at the Australian Open, but a very real possibility that Keith Urban lives with everyday. He really did do something extraordinary when he went to the Betty Ford Clinic. Let’s hope all those around him remember that too.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

How to have a baby, Kidman-style

Kidman wants the world to believe she’s pregnant. She may be, or there is a child being carried somewhere that Kidman and her hired escort/sperm donor will lay claim to as its parents.

Are we happy about this news? Nope, and there will be more about the whys in the coming months. But even if we are disappointed that Keith’s life has been drastically affected by this event, it will be a public event as only Nicole Kidman can carry out. Kidman, who has this supposed history of having difficulty in the maternity department, is working out like an Olympic athlete. Contradiction? Why yes, of course it is. During the public unveiling of the formerly barren womb, the couple were said to be thrilled. Well, of course they are. Both are over 40, both have dubious factors internally that would affect gestation: Kidman with her self-publicized failures to continue to carry a fetus and Urban with his addictions. Was Kidman sure about having that pool joined with hers?

Interesting, isn't it, that we didn't see these two together for more than 35 days, yet in the last week when the great announcement was made, we haven't had a day where they haven't been spotted. Perhaps because Keith just did not look happy enough and Kidman had to have a beaming Keith shot. It took two days after the announcement to get that. And the beam didn't last. Keith looked scared in the concert-going photo op, probably because he wasn't expecting her to tag along or because he had his new best friends, the photographers, there to record every minute they were together. Well, Keith, that’s the plan. We will have so many of these events. Nicole goes to the doctor. Nicole buys stretch mark cream. Keith, who used to be his own person, will be there perhaps carrying her bag. Perhaps he already has his new role assigned, he-man protector of the little delicate woman. The man who will scream at the press that she called, making himself look like an idiot. Kidman who is hoping to achieve sainthood in Oz can just sit back and radiate. Her watch dog is doing his job and she is promoting the fetus and her new film with little criticism. It is indeed going to be a tough six months and if you don't think this story isn't controlled, go to the web and look up some of the stories. Well, get them when they are first out there because almost all of the subsequent accounts have been altered. Gee Nicole, Oz is the perfect setting to have this royal baby. You seem to get what you want. Now you are claiming your paparazzi friends are hounding you and you may have to go into seclusion! Why hide from us? Will we notice the results of your botox-less forehead and shrinking lips? Will we notice that the baby bump looks a little odd? Have you figured out the arrangements yet for the Royal Baby Tour ‘08?? Nicole and the rest of you who thought the skeptics would be gone, we aren't going anywhere. We wouldn't miss this show for the world.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Morton Book: Truth or Fiction about Kidman?

I couldn't wait; I got my copy of the Morton book on Nicole's former love yesterday and while reading through the chapters that Nicole appears in, I was struck by a very interesting thought.

Nicole Kidman is very much her own creation. Described by someone in the book as the most manipulative person they have ever met, Kidman used her ambition and place as the wife of one of Hollywood's biggest stars to her advantage. I am not going to write a lengthy review here; go buy the book. It is very intricate about the religion and the actor and to take it out of context would lessen the impact that the star and his religion and that relationship has in his evolution.

Let’s talk about Kidman. Her one true love was not the first, or second, or third lover she lived with. Kidman and her true love had an intense courtship. He showered her with flowers and jewels and even bought her a Mercedes and had it delivered to her by way of a flat bed truck. But Kidman also kept a beau back in Oz who was unaware that Nicole was seeing Tom until they showed up at the 1990 Oscars. She was given lessons in his religion and while her father who was a psychiatrist was viewed as a threat, she was given a pass and her one true love proposed with a note on her pillow that read, "My darling Nicole, I have chased you and chased you until you caught me. Now will you marry me?" And on Christmas Eve 1990 in a candlelit room filled with roses and lilies they married. She spilled the news to a radio station in Sydney and told of her desire to have her children born in Australia to ground them.

She got pregnant during the shooting of a film in Ireland and miscarried in LA not too long after. Morton states in the book that Kidman was told not to conceiveas it would be dangerous to her health to be with child.

For the next ten years they were THE couple and Nicole grew used to the lifestyle. She awoke at 8 a.m. in the morning, she then worked out and had her hair done. She was given access to a plane to fly wherever she wanted and she did. She would pick up the phone and call her art dealer and have her true love buy her whatever she wanted for her birthday or the holidays. That is how she got her art collection. She told of her desire to birth a baby of her own. They set about getting their daughter. After a few weeks they had a new baby to call their own. Nicole's true love took a very hands on attitude with the infant. He would play and feed and tend to her. They also hired nannies 24/7 and so the new mother could be free to pursue her career.

The career - that was the rub. Nicole wasn't making the movies that her husband was. She wanted her own fame. She had some fame at home but she wasn't a star. She acted like a movie star treating her staff as servants and making them sign an eight page document that assured confidentiality. The staff in turn would watch her and tell her true love where she was. The attention was great at first but later she grew to resent it.

Many around these two at the time said she ALWAYS got her way. She would have tantrums and pout if the right kind of caviar wasn't on the plane. She fought with her true love’s sister. She longed to be more than a clothes horse - which she wasn't naturally - that was something her true love taught her. He even had people shop for her because she didn't like to. He bought her the films she wanted to do. She got good notices but it wasn't until To Die For and her turn on stage in The Blue Room that she became a star. The true love wanted another child and once they adopted him, Nicole went off to make another movie. She left the children often with their father to work. They moved around a lot and she spent a lot of time back in Sydney without her husband and her children. Days would go by before she called about them, Morton says.

The rumors about their marriage were many by the late 90's. The true love sued many people, and during one lawsuit information about their struggles to have children were revealed. Some say that is when Kidman fell out of love. The book talks about the rumored affairs, the jealousy and envy she felt. It also talked about the end, and the end was a long time coming - not as sudden or as surprising as many thought. She has a distant relationship with her children and her actions were the cause for that. She stayed quiet during the years after the divorce but her marriage to troubled country singer Keith Urban in a Catholic ceremony sealed her relationship with her children.

For those who have heard Kidman comes out looking good in this book, she doesn't. She is portrayed as being insecure, prone to panic attacks, is said to have a temper and is manipulative. Any one who has watched Kidman for the last three years play with Keith Urban already knew that. It is nice that the rest of the world gets to see it now.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Welcome to the World of Romance Fiction, Kidman-Style

We all know that romance sells books, movies, music, products, etc. Romance is far and away the best-selling genre in all fiction. Romance is the vicarious thrill of falling in love. Romance quickens your pulse, entices your imagination and fuels your fantasies. But remember the most essential parts of a romance-the sympathetic heroine, the hero you love and the interesting story line.

Sit back, relax and enjoy a bit of our romance novel: The Beige Orchid. In the interest of space, only a synopsis of the first few chapters is included.

Chapter One
When we first meet our heroine, she is being interviewed by a reporter for the local newspaper about her outstanding work saving the Belgium pygmy goat thereby protecting the world’s only source of golden goat cheese. The reporter is asking her about her childhood. Thinking back, she was reminded just how far she has come and how much of her plan she has yet to accomplish. Settling into her chair and listening to this boring man ask her the same boring questions, her mind wanders back. Sure, she was the classic outsider, a free spirit with no rules and no boundaries. She always knew she wanted to be an actress and did everything she could to pursue that career regardless of the consequences. She could rationalize leaving school at 15 and moving in with that older man at 17. Those were just steps to pave the way to her move to the states to become the woman other women are jealous of and men lust after. A huge grin crosses her face as she sips on her drink…

Chapter Two
Fast forward many years later…

Our heroine is pushing 40, divorced with children she finds tiresome. We find her in one of her many lavish houses, entourage assembled. Tonight the group will devise how she is going to overcome her lack of press attention. After all she did stay married to “him” for 10 years. She had learned to play the victim, right down to teaching herself to cry on demand. That alone should have won her many Oscars, but it wasn’t enough. Now she was forced to listen and watch him traipsing around couch jumping for a mere child. And the child was pregnant! Damn him. The media should be focused on her work not his antics but how to refocus the media? Well she could play the PR game just as well as he could. After all she learned all the tricks from him. A plan, a long term plan, that’s what she needed and that’s what they would come up with before the evening was over. If he played a full house, she would play the Queen. If he played a straight, she could play pregnant, too. The thought made her smile, but she couldn’t move the muscles in her face to express her happiness with herself…

Chapter Three
Why is it the only man she could find to manipulate was this guitar player? She tried her best with the horrid American businessman but he always wanted to be in control. She tried with the rocker but he never paid any attention to the Plan. Now after watching this one for 6 months, she knew when the timing was just right. She’d just have to tolerate the music, until she could get him away from that noise. He’d follow the Plan or else. This was going to be her greatest role ever. The one role she’d have to write for herself since there was never going to be a screen play written that could possibly capture her true essence. Her phone calls to the paps were on schedule and she’d get her pictures into the magazines on time. Staging her “candid” photos was so easy. She was managing to stay ahead of her ex, no thanks to the miserable staff she was forced to deal with. She had to constantly remind them to alert the press according to the Plan. Well no matter, things were moving along and she was pleased. The engagement and the fairytale wedding went off with a few snags but no real problems. The husband was trying so hard to please her but it would never, ever be enough. He was so tiresome but a necessary detail. He did have value when they were seen in public. She would never forgive him for the rehab incident. Pure rubbish, but it gave her something to hold over his head when he misbehaved. The thought made her laugh out loud. Carefully reviewing the Plan, she decided it was now time for the next phase…

Chapter Four—
Is she or isn’t she?
Headline after headline screamed that question. She laughed at the amount of press she garnered in one “leak.” She couldn’t remember when she felt so giddy. Pregnancy, the perfect dramatic story line! Sure, she had to listen to the husband complain yet again about being left out of the loop. Blah, blah, blah. Thirty minutes of shouting and he was out the door for the night. Big deal. He’d be back. He always came back when it was time. He knew the Plan. Too bad if he was getting ready to give his career a boost. It would always pale in comparison to hers and now he might believe it was stupid to keep trying and give it up. Who cares anyway?

She picked up another paper and read each word, savoring every syllable. This would make those imbeciles forget about the bad press she was receiving of late. Even that childbride married to her ex was playing along. Not that she cared, but better the childbride seem supportive after all the grief she had caused. How lovely that childbride was on the green carpet for her movie flop when asked about the pregnancy, she chuckled to herself turning the page. Of course everyone loves babies, she could too. She could be nurturing and loving to a baby as long as someone was there to see her behaving motherly. After all, she was an Oscar winning actress. This would be priceless! She found herself sweating and pulling at the skin on her fingers until they bled. Panic was setting in. What was she going to do now?

You can take comfort - our heroine isn’t in jeopardy, or is she? Get your tissues ready!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

We're having a baby, my baby and me...

That was the song Ricky Ricardo sang to Lucy Ricardo when she told him that she was expecting on I Love Lucy in 1953. She could not say the word pregnant on television in 1953. After living through the last 48 hours, I can see some benefits in not being able to talk of such things.

Let’s look at all the tales. The first is that Nicole Kidman is pregnant. Well until the bambino pops out of her womb in pictures I don't believe it. Let's review all the rumors.

1. Kidman is pregnant- sorry can't buy it. She isn't showing. If she is as far along as we are led to believe, then she should have that bump and looking at the shots it’s not there.

2. The baby is due in May, June, July or August. No one really knows. Wendy Day couldn't tell reporters. Kidman’s own mother thinks it might be July. Wonder why?

3. Did they or was it a Petri dish? Overwhelming opinion is that Kidman was inseminated by using a donor’s eggs and some sperm. Keith's sperm?? No one knows and there is a question. Did Keith shoot a loop in a paper cup at sometime? Many feel he didn't and Kidman may have wanted it that way. I mean while I, like many, would love a dream night with Keith Urban, I don't think I would like to have his gene pool be part of my child. Sorry, Keith, I don't think your wife did either.

4. Is it really being carried by someone else? Kidman was supposedly fitted for a fat suit in New York in October for The Reader. That movie fell through but she still has the suit… and she knows already the sex of the baby?

Why now? Why have this baby now? Rumors say she was fired from The Reader. Box office for the Golden Compass is less that what was calculated. There are rumors that the movie company was going to announce that Kate Winslet, the original choice for the film, was going to start production soon. Something had to be done and Kidman probably wanted to save face. Kidman must also score big in her new movie in the homeland so have the royal baby to insure a hit.

Also, Kidman's one true love and his young wife will have another baby. Some say she will this year and if that baby is anything like the young daughter he already has the cuteness factor will be off the charts. Plus Kidman took a big beating from Katie revealing that her stepchildren call her Mom. Doesn't matter how you define that, it has to hurt. Kidman has no work coming up and that would make some people ask what is it that she does except make bad movies? Well if Jlo can have a baby, Nicole can because she is different than the average celebrity mom, she is also queen of Australia. This child will be an event. This child will be a freak show.

With the Screen Actors Guild set to strike this spring Kidman has to do something to keep herself in the tabloids. She has to be seen. You can now time her appearances in the rags. This baby will give her at least a year in the tabs and she will know no peace in Australia. Since she couldn't marry royalty she has created her own royal persona. Except her choice in a spouse isn't royal at all. Nor is her marriage. Rumors are that the marriage is strained. There were 35 days that they were not seen in public since November. The thing that seems so sad is that Keith Urban will be a good dad. I see how he reacts to children and he is genuine with them and he is affectionate. But this child may never experience that. Rumors are rampant about when Keith learned about this entire thing. Some say he only learned a few days before the rest of us. His reaction is baffling - fake smiling after it is announced and flipping the bird and pushing people out of his way. Was this pregnancy a way to circumvent rumors about Keith and his future touring partner? You have to wonder. You also have to wonder if a man over 40 has had to deal with a pregnancy before. Is this the first child he has fathered? What is going to happen to his career? This was really an important time for his career to get back on track. The co-headlining tour, being invited to join Kenny Chesney on his summer tour, recording a new record and a headlining tour to follow. It's all up in the air now. Also, this will close the door to some of the long term fans. Kidman will always be a part of his life forever and she takes over everything. Maybe Keith is getting ready for retirement?

So, she is supposedly having a baby. What kind of life will this future prop have? A mother who wants the title but not the role. Well, will I stick around for the big event? Why not? In all good drama there is a bit of comedy and if this wasn't so sad for the supposed baby and for Keith it would be damn funny. The famewhore is supposedly spawning; get your popcorn ready. It’s going to be a long show.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Dear Mrs. Urban,

How lovely you look in all those new shots from Down Under! It seems that you and Keith are having a lovely time during the silly season, but we would like to take the time to address something about your nature that bothers us.

We kid with you about your bump or lack of one, but when you parade about with your photo ops just to keep this little guessing game going, it is really a tad bit unpleasant. If you are pregnant be pregnant! Talk about it! Revel in it! Go ahead, glow naturally! Allow Keith to act like a proud papa-to-be!

If you aren't pregnant, if this is just a ruse to get the public interested in you, if you are using fertility to score popularity points, please stop! You are insulting pregnant women. You are insulting women who struggle with infertility. It is not funny. It is not a game. Perhaps you have no idea about what it means to be a mother? Perhaps you are so worried about your failing career you see a baby as a way to keep yourself in the public eye? Perhaps because we see how those children you acquired with your one true love have turned to another for a mother’s love and you are left without? Perhaps you are using word of a baby to keep a marriage that is faltering privately from failing publicly. Whatever the reasons why, please stop the games.

In these recent pictures of you, it seems that you are trying to resemble the late Princess Grace. Dear, dear Nicole, Princess Grace miscarried three times and had three live births. She knew how to handle herself and her pregnancies. Perhaps it is time you learned a life lesson from a real woman and quit playing hide and seek. It is boring, insulting and just leading people to dismiss you as a person in much the same way the public has dismissed you as an actress.

You are becoming as transparent as your skin.

Fondly,

Urban Myths