Sunday, January 13, 2008

Welcome to the World of Romance Fiction, Kidman-Style

We all know that romance sells books, movies, music, products, etc. Romance is far and away the best-selling genre in all fiction. Romance is the vicarious thrill of falling in love. Romance quickens your pulse, entices your imagination and fuels your fantasies. But remember the most essential parts of a romance-the sympathetic heroine, the hero you love and the interesting story line.

Sit back, relax and enjoy a bit of our romance novel: The Beige Orchid. In the interest of space, only a synopsis of the first few chapters is included.

Chapter One
When we first meet our heroine, she is being interviewed by a reporter for the local newspaper about her outstanding work saving the Belgium pygmy goat thereby protecting the world’s only source of golden goat cheese. The reporter is asking her about her childhood. Thinking back, she was reminded just how far she has come and how much of her plan she has yet to accomplish. Settling into her chair and listening to this boring man ask her the same boring questions, her mind wanders back. Sure, she was the classic outsider, a free spirit with no rules and no boundaries. She always knew she wanted to be an actress and did everything she could to pursue that career regardless of the consequences. She could rationalize leaving school at 15 and moving in with that older man at 17. Those were just steps to pave the way to her move to the states to become the woman other women are jealous of and men lust after. A huge grin crosses her face as she sips on her drink…

Chapter Two
Fast forward many years later…

Our heroine is pushing 40, divorced with children she finds tiresome. We find her in one of her many lavish houses, entourage assembled. Tonight the group will devise how she is going to overcome her lack of press attention. After all she did stay married to “him” for 10 years. She had learned to play the victim, right down to teaching herself to cry on demand. That alone should have won her many Oscars, but it wasn’t enough. Now she was forced to listen and watch him traipsing around couch jumping for a mere child. And the child was pregnant! Damn him. The media should be focused on her work not his antics but how to refocus the media? Well she could play the PR game just as well as he could. After all she learned all the tricks from him. A plan, a long term plan, that’s what she needed and that’s what they would come up with before the evening was over. If he played a full house, she would play the Queen. If he played a straight, she could play pregnant, too. The thought made her smile, but she couldn’t move the muscles in her face to express her happiness with herself…

Chapter Three
Why is it the only man she could find to manipulate was this guitar player? She tried her best with the horrid American businessman but he always wanted to be in control. She tried with the rocker but he never paid any attention to the Plan. Now after watching this one for 6 months, she knew when the timing was just right. She’d just have to tolerate the music, until she could get him away from that noise. He’d follow the Plan or else. This was going to be her greatest role ever. The one role she’d have to write for herself since there was never going to be a screen play written that could possibly capture her true essence. Her phone calls to the paps were on schedule and she’d get her pictures into the magazines on time. Staging her “candid” photos was so easy. She was managing to stay ahead of her ex, no thanks to the miserable staff she was forced to deal with. She had to constantly remind them to alert the press according to the Plan. Well no matter, things were moving along and she was pleased. The engagement and the fairytale wedding went off with a few snags but no real problems. The husband was trying so hard to please her but it would never, ever be enough. He was so tiresome but a necessary detail. He did have value when they were seen in public. She would never forgive him for the rehab incident. Pure rubbish, but it gave her something to hold over his head when he misbehaved. The thought made her laugh out loud. Carefully reviewing the Plan, she decided it was now time for the next phase…

Chapter Four—
Is she or isn’t she?
Headline after headline screamed that question. She laughed at the amount of press she garnered in one “leak.” She couldn’t remember when she felt so giddy. Pregnancy, the perfect dramatic story line! Sure, she had to listen to the husband complain yet again about being left out of the loop. Blah, blah, blah. Thirty minutes of shouting and he was out the door for the night. Big deal. He’d be back. He always came back when it was time. He knew the Plan. Too bad if he was getting ready to give his career a boost. It would always pale in comparison to hers and now he might believe it was stupid to keep trying and give it up. Who cares anyway?

She picked up another paper and read each word, savoring every syllable. This would make those imbeciles forget about the bad press she was receiving of late. Even that childbride married to her ex was playing along. Not that she cared, but better the childbride seem supportive after all the grief she had caused. How lovely that childbride was on the green carpet for her movie flop when asked about the pregnancy, she chuckled to herself turning the page. Of course everyone loves babies, she could too. She could be nurturing and loving to a baby as long as someone was there to see her behaving motherly. After all, she was an Oscar winning actress. This would be priceless! She found herself sweating and pulling at the skin on her fingers until they bled. Panic was setting in. What was she going to do now?

You can take comfort - our heroine isn’t in jeopardy, or is she? Get your tissues ready!

6 comments:

maclen said...

Another hilarious satire, Urban Myths. Though I do find it typically calculated of teamkidman to have gone this route. After the dismal failure of the Invasion, and then the early bad buzz for Compass.... added to that the bloated, overblown and no doubt overdone productipon of Australia... the rusted, toothless gears of teamkidman desperately changed course. As to whether its possible to nuture a budding rose in the vast barren of the frigid north that is kidman's withered womb, of course, remains to be seen.

notachance said...

LMFAO!

Can't believe you actually took someone's advice and turned into fiction. Oh that's right, most of what's written on here is fiction to begin with so it wasn't really a stretch.

realitycheck said...

This just proves what the skeptics will do when they cant cope with the truth!

cricket said...

Sounds like you found a copy of Kidman's play book.Can't wait to see what she's going to pull next.maclen I don't think a rose has a chance in the dried out wasteland of her womb.I don't think a cactus would have a chance there and they grow in the dessert.

maclen said...

Well, cricket, kidman's main problem has always been some pschological need to, first keep up with ex, and now its in trying to keep pace with the tomkat. Certainly the movies bewitched and Invasion can be blamed from the first instance, and now the need to get a kid and have her own "suri" vanity fair cover i have no doubt is driving this. Her main problem is, and always will be, is that she, or the "kidban" are just not as interesting to the media as the "tomkat" will always be... what with the scientology obsesssion and etc...

JapHal said...

LOL!!! Very nicely writen!!