Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Baby Tour '08 is Starting!

Get ready America, Nicole Kidman, a resident of the United States by birth, her hired husband Keith (I used to be important in Country Music, really I was) Urban have landed on our shores and are ready to start on the last of Keith's solo tours for 2008.

Last? Yes, for the six of you out there that are still Keith fans, with the exception of a twenty minute set at ten stops on Kenny Chesney's tour this summer, this will be the last time he is seen doing what he at one time said was like breathing for him, playing music. It's not really going to be that much different from the last tour. The same songs, the same prattle, the same dedication to his savior, Nicole Kidman; but wait! there may be something to add to this tour. Nope, I am not talking about Carrie Underwood, a woman who has the stage presence of a glass of milk

Nope this is Baby Tour 08!

Baby Tour 08, you are asking yourself? What do you mean Urban Myths? This tour isn't going to be about the blond divas, it is going to be about Keith Urban, producing the medical miracle that is before us: the impregnation of Nicole Kidman. Can't you see it now? The BSE’s will feature a barrage of inane questions about writing lullabies and how it will change him.

The added plus is that, the miracle gestating one herself, Kidman, will be along for the tour. The former award-winning, now box office poison actress, too delicate to film another flop, has no issues bumping around on a tour bus all over the country. Because this is how she will redeem herself. If you look at articles pre-Christmas Eve about Kidman you will notice none were positive. The reviews were horrid and the tabloids were making fun of her clothes and there was the issue of what her acquired children called her. It was bad for our Nic. Really bad. Then enter the baby. Kidman will spawn and now it is all about her. How she looks, feels, thinks. Forget about her craft. Forget about her past image. Forget about all those rumors about the true state of her marriage to Keith; those rumors about her being unable to have children; those rumors about her being manipulative and controlling and uncaring and cold all fade away; even the rumors about Keith and Carrie. It even circumvented her denying the Morton book, she is too delicate. This is the time for the fans in the United States to show the queen of Oz how much we adore her. As for this writer, I have some tickets for sale if anyone wants them. I can't wait to read all those reviews about how she sat in the crowd and he gave less than a stellar performance with a nauseating dedication.

Keith, what exactly are you getting out of all of this? Oh, yeah, fame!

10 comments:

maclen said...

Well, actually Urban Myths, the whole "baby tour" regarding urbans "co-headlining" with underwood, will probably be usurped by the fact that at this point underwood is vastly more popular and successful than the " Dynamic-less duo." And urban and Co. are just basically just hitching along for the ride, pretty concious in that his previous tour did absolutely nothing for cd sales, and perhaps underwood and later chesney can carry his sagging and sorry career just a little bit longer. And as for kidman and the whole with child bit, I'm sure at this point, she must be harried, and positively pulling her ever more apparant grey hair out by the roots, as Lainy pointed out a few weeks ago, that the rumors flying about how angelina jolie may be pregnant... and possibly with twins yet... I'm sure she is at the edge of possible hari kari, at the sheer agony of possibly losing the maternity cover story of Vanity Fair to jolie and her twins! But its typical kidman timing in pr trends, pregnant celebs are a dime a dozen, especially of bigger and more interesting celebs, kidman is a rank amateur and a poor follower.

CJ said...

"Kidman is a rank amateur and a poor follower."

Very well said Maclen.

not anon said...

I wonder if the impregnated pale one is actually on US soil. She claims she's going to do lots of things - visit Israel. Travel on behalf of the UN. Spend Christmas with her own children. The list goes on. So will she really tour or is she going to hold up in OZ hiding her increasingly wrinkly forehead? I can't wait to her Keith ramble on about Lamaze classes in interview after interview after interview. At least he has some new material to pull from.

maclen said...

Thanks cj. Its that she does so many things so dismally, and so clearly obvious, it just makes her so one dimensional. And yeah, not anon, my guess also was that she was, especially after those hideous Aussie Open photos of her amazing disintergrating face hit the net, she'd be frantic to hide out in Oz. So we'll see. And your also right about what she says and what she does, as we've all constantly made clear on this blog. Another one of her obvious PR flaws, she seems to somehow believe if its in print in mags, or on video, the perception will be that it is true, and she comes out looking like a virtual humanitarian. But it is just so laughingly oblivious to her that it doesnt work, for her last 3 films flopped big time. People do actually see through the phoniness of her so called convictions. And I gleefully look forward to continue and point them out in this little corner of the web.

notachance said...

Oh the never satisfied skeptics -

Personally, I don't know why anyone bought tickets to this tour with Carrie Underwear opening - yes, opening. It might be billed as a co-headline gig but the reality is that she will open and Keith will close. Carrie is not a closer to any arena show.

Here's to the bump! And who wouldn't blame Keith if he wasn't jumping on couches over this?

doublewide said...

Here's to the bump! And who wouldn't blame Keith if he wasn't jumping on couches over this?

LMAO! i don't know about keith jumping on couches when the mother of his first child (and i question whether they used her eggs) but i digress......is a hateful, self-absorbed, rank amateur (as maclen so aptly put it), manipulative, cry baby, dismal failure, melting face, heinous woman (and i use the term woman loosely)who is ONLY out for her best interests and couldn't give a rat's ass about keith's life or career.
not exactly couch jumping material is she?

maclen said...

doublewide said...
"not exactly couch jumping material is she?"

Ha ha...definately not, doublewide. But before this is over, she may be... I dont know... bridge jumping material? Busy railroad track jumping material? But of course more likely he wont be jumping very much, but more like falling, you know... down the music charts, falling off in concert attendance, and probably off the wagon, again.

biteme said...

Well, the famewhore is not with Keith on this tour. Figure she would not be. Saw a pic on people.com that she is still in Sydney. Did she not say she was going to be with Keith on the tour bus? YEAH RIGHT!

KUsnob said...

Has anyone looked at their recent tour shirts (if anyone has purchased one?) Well, I managed to take a look at mine tonight. And guess what? I own a Hank and Evie shirt? Who knew.

The funny part is. I bought it 1. because it didn't have his face plasted ALL over the place & 2. it was $20 instead of the $35-$50 for the other shitty tour shirts they were offering. Now it didn't cover the tour dates that I would normally enjoy but since I had already purchased one from the first leg and like I had posted that Betsy hadn't changed them for the 2nd leg I just decided I'd buy this great comfy shirt and save $20.
It's the Property of Keith Urban 2007 in case anyone else is wondering.

However, Carson had mentioned he HATED these style of shirts because he didn't like the way they felt! Funny because of ALL the concert shirts I've ever owned, these are the best!

KUsnob said...

posted in wrong thread cause it's past my bedtime.