Thursday, January 24, 2008

The First Annual Urban Myths Awards

If we had an official ceremony and a red carpet event, Kidman would show up, so we decided to not do anything formal, but we'll just hold a quiet party in the back booth of a Nashville bar - you know "that" booth. We promise that there will be no passing out...

Let’s go straight to the awards!!!

The most outrageous moment for Nicole Kidman:
There were so many, so, so many, that the editors here at Urban Myths had to really think about it but ...the winner is:

Nicole in her Britney-slut wear at the Arias in October 2007. She has worn ridiculous outfits in the past, but this really showed how desperate she is.

The most outrageous moment for Keith Urban:
Making a call from a radio studio in Australia and talking to his beautiful, beautiful princess.

Runner up:

  • Leaving Germany when he was finally rediscovering the joy of massage.

Best couple moment for the Kidmans:

Runners' up:
  • We had the tension at the Oscars where the only oral gratification Keith could get was from multiple In and Out burgers.
  • The St Bart's vacation - where we all got to see Keith in swimming trunks and Kidman doing a pole dance
  • The carnival ride in Oz when Kidman wore her hair just like her acting hero Buffy Davis from Family Affair - Keith played a great Mrs. Beasley!
  • The birthday party for her sister where Kidman reportedly got drunk, had a fight with Keith and still looked like a bad, bad train wreck
  • The so in love pictures taken at the Arias - if you look closely you will see that Kidman is scoping out where the camera is and kneeling down to get the love pose with Keith. Keith is, of course, oblivious.
  • The CMA's, the Golden Compost opening in London, Maggot's opening in New York - seeing Keith wear big boy clothes
But the best moments, the times that they were supposedly together, but maybe they weren't: Her birthday, their anniversary and his birthday. Sorry, we didn't want to see these pictures and of course they would have had to be together to get those.

Urban Myths Best Writer Award:
Wendy Day - she is spewing so much stuff she can't keep it all straight.

Urban Myths Best Gossip Site: While Lainey has had periods where the Kidmans have not been talked about in her funny, well-written prose, recently she has come back with a number of jabs at Kidman. Love ya, Lainey!

Best Gossip Personality:
Perez Hilton - from his coverage of Amanda to his current jabs at the botox whore we think things will get better and better in the new year.

Best Blog about Kidman:
Nicole Kidman’s Forehead- this is a witty place, a fun place, and a place where the truth is being told.

Best fantasy site:
Nicolekidmanunited - my goodness, those are real people that write those posts.

Best use of paid employees:
The posters on various Keith Urban fan sites to garner an interest in Keith. "OHMYGOSH THAT KEITHY IS SO MY MAN!!" And "Me and the little missus loaded up the trunk and flew all the way around the world just because we like him."

Best message board:
E!Online, because even if they are wrong they are so very entertaining - and are they wrong????

Best waste of money:
Monkeyville or anything involving Greatest Hits or Love Pain and the Hard on I Used to Get.

Keith Urban's best way to waste money, fuel and time:
Flying all over the world to see the contractual wife.
  • Runner up:
    That damn tattoo on his arm
The smartest two people in the world:
Bella and Connor Cruise - who were only seen with their Nicole twice this year.

Most missed person in Keithworld:

  • Runner up:
Best way to enjoy a Keith Concert:
It’s a tie!

Sit down during the dreaded dedicated song and sing the Urban Myths version of it.

Looking for Thumper trying to escape.

The most anticipated event for next year:

Runners' up:
  • House and Gardens 28 page layout of the Nashville Farm
  • “He told me he loved me”
  • “Another 15 minutes and more plastic surgery”
  • “The farmer in me” - Nicole Kidman and her new career: Cheese Maker
  • Keith's sold out tour of Motel Six lounges, and
  • Greatest Hits Vol 2: The Adopted Kids - Keith singing other's hits because his muse is Gone with the Fugly Wind.
The nine months it will take to produce faux baby Kidman.

and finally!

The moment that was the most important in all of the muck we have had to witness this year:

Runners' up:
  • "I have never had any plastic surgery, I don't smoke and I stay out of the sun""
  • "I would like a goat so I can get some cheese"
  • "I love him; I live for him" (said in both 1998 and 2007)
  • "Keith told me he wants a few years just with me so we aren't having a baby"
  • "We’re not not trying"
  • "Keith isn't used to this, so he doesn't do red carpets"
  • "Keith is really very good, you can take my word for it"

And the winner…..

drum roll…..

"I was concussed, it was terrible."

Someday this whole thing will end, and we will look back at this and laugh. Or, Kidman will have a botox overdose. Or, Keith will get caught doing what Keith does best.. Until then hold on tight, this ride is always bumpy.


notachance said...

Funny - I'll give you that. (see, I do have a sense of humour - which means I musn't be a total bunny like y'all think I am...)

JapHal said...

HAH!!!! LOL!!! Thanks for the giggle!!!

maclen said...

Yeah that was a especially excellent post. I especially liked the "The moment that was the most important in all of the muck we have had to witness this year:" award, because that is truly the most damning and ironic category... her own words of such disengenous nonsense... it makes your ears, or eyes almost bleed in their shameless meaninglessness.... (is that even a word?)

banbotox said...


White Trash said...

What about an award for the username on this blog likely to go postal because of their violent hatred towards Keith and Nicole?

C'mon...we know it's maclen, hands down!

Urban Myths said...

White Trash, it's really sad that you don't have a worthwhile thing to say, so you just bash people that post here.

maclen said...

Urban myths, your awards post reminded me of something else that was reportedly said from the notorious teamkidman... as I recall, isnt urban due to head back out on tour with carrie underwood next week? (unless i missed a change of plans) And last i heard from kidmans mouthpiece was she still plans to go out on tour with urban. That will be something intersting to look for. Because if I recall, in mid Dec kidman is quoted in a magazine interview as saying that she plans to take a few weeks off to spend christmas with her mom and sisters kids. And then after that she and urban will head to their magical ranch in Tennessee and just "lay low" for a while. But of course, the reality was she spent the whole month of Jan. in Oz, not laying low, but providing for the paparatz day after day of photo ops... heading to a cafe for lunch, to a restraunt for dinner... a outdoor birthday party for one of her "girlfriends"...she and urban "strolling" on the docks... exiting a gym after working out... out posing in matching tennis outfits with urban... attending the Aussie open... for about 20 minutes... so of course when she says she plans on hanging out in Tennessee and laying low, of course I expect her to be in Oz posing for the paps for days and weeks on end. And so, as for kidmans hand fed goats, i dont expect them to see that, so they are completely irrelevent to me

Urban Myths said...

Maclen, his Painful Carnival Ride tour with Candy Underpants starts this Thursday, the 31st. Rumor has it that his trucks are loaded up and heading to CT. We are wondering when he will show up and praying that Kidman stays in Oz.

doublewide said...

i'm loving these awards! good job urbanmyths

maclen said...

Yeah, doublewide, they are right on the mark. Also urbanmyths, you should note and file for this years awards, kidman's crass and opportunistic publicity mongering by releasing a statement only a couple of hours after Heath ledgers sudden death. And as we know how inarticulate and incoherant she is outside of a dismal script... but..."'What a tragedy. My heart goes out to his family," could not be anymore generic and unimaginative than previous said movie scripts. Just because she is friends with his ex, and as we all know she is in uber-PR mongering mode, she should stick with the pathetic photo ops and not try to take advantage of an actors death she probably hadnt spoke to in years.

cricket said...

True Maclen.Like The Ledger family gives a rats ass where her heart is. She just had to jump in for a bit more pr. Not to mention she's a cold heartless bitch who can't send her heart out to anyone since she doesn't have one anyway.

Anna said...

Thank you Urban Myths! What an honor.
I'd firstly like to thank God, my parents for having me, and the mean girls at school who taught me to run and be funny at the same time.

It's such a thrill to win this award and I certainly couldn't have done it without three amazing people. Firstly, my hero Ted Casablanca who says so much, while revealing so little.
Trent from Pink is the New Blog who taught me that you can a be a total nobody and people will still pay attention to you if you are funny, and lastly but certainly not least Nicole Kidman.

Nicole has taught me that you can be butt ugly and still be considered beautiful, be a tragic bag lady and regardless be called a style icon and have less acting range than Captain Kangaroo and still win an Oscar. It's really all about how you spin it!
Of course the biggest lesson she has taught me, is that it doesn't matter how mediocre you are, marry a really rich crazy guy and it all works out in the end!

doublewide said...

anna, your blog is a riot!! we all get such a kick out of it! congrats on a well deserved award...and geez, do you ever have NK pegged.

maclen, you are so right about her statement about heath ledger. she stoops to new lows hourly....

i pray for peace and comfort for his family.

White Trash said...

"White Trash, it's really sad that you don't have a worthwhile thing to say, so you just bash people that post here."

And you call your drivel worthwhile? BAHHHHH!! Why can't I bash those who are psychotic here when you're doing the same thing to Nicole and Keith?