Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Conversation at the Airport
Keith: OK...do you have your backpack on?
NK: Yes...I do. Will you carry my sweater and jacket?
Keith: No...carry them yourself. I'm sick of carrying your crap.
NK: The paps are taking our picture...make it look like you are in love with me.
Keith: Bugger that. Get a move on.
NK: You can't talk to me like that. I'm NICOLE KIDMAN.
Keith: Whatever. You have embarrassed me in front of my fans.
NK: Why? What did I do?
Keith: You fell asleep at my show last night...like you were bored out of your mind.
NK: Well...the truth hurts, doesn't it? Carry my sun hat...do you expect me to carry all this to the plane?
Keith: It's 85 degrees in the shade, for Gawd's sake. What do you need a sweater and jacket for?
NK: I'm chilled to the bone. Do you like my sneakers?
Keith: You are icy cold...that's the truth. Do I like those red boats on your feet? No...not particularly.
NK: Look at them...see how cute they are?
Keith: They're so honkin' big, how can anything that huge be cute?
NK: Are you saying I have big feet?
Keith: Are you joking? You have size 11 feet...Jezuz...they're massive. They're in competition with your freakin' crazy ass lips.
NK: What about my lips. My lips are youthfully plump.
Keith: Your lips, my pet, are enormously fat, as if you are carrying the baby in them.
NK: My child inside is not in my lips. You are really annoying me again.
Keith: Right...wouldn't want to annoy you...that's for sure. Let's get outta here...quick. I don't want to have to face these people. Look at the headline...Nicole Kidman Bored With Husband's Music. Nice.
NK: Are there any pictures of me? Did I get any pictures in the paper?
Keith: Oh yeah...there's pictures. You look like you're taking a dump and catching flies at the same time.
NK: What do you mean...what....
Keith: Here...look at this (shows NK the picture of her yawning and checking out her bracelets, then nodding off)
NK: Those are hideous. Where did they come from?
Keith: That's you, my beautiful beautiful princess...so bored you nodded off during my show.
NK: How dare they take pictures of me when I'm not aware of it? That is not fair.
Keith: People are laughing at me...my wife finds my music so boring she can't stay awake for my concert. Why can't you show some interest in my career for a change?
NK: This is NOT about you. This is my face they're ridiculing.
Keith: You know...it's always about YOU. YOUR trainer and YOUR bodyguard beat up a couple of photographers...out of the blue...and you are all upset because of the bad press you're getting. It's all about you...not about the two guys who were beat up...that one had a huge black eye. But it's all about you. Now, even though these headlines make me look like a bore, it's all about you again.
NK: I knew you'd understand. That's right. It's all about me. Now...take my hand and smile for the photographers. They'll love my little white top and my lacy thong. That always impresses the paps.