Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Queer Eye for the Keith Guy

Carson could hardly believe his eyes! As he sat in front of the TV watching the ACM Awards, he saw a man in a three-piece suit – and cream colored, at that! Could it really be? No, it wasn't, was it? Yes, it was Keith Urban!

Keith, it seems, has changed. At one time, he seemed so comfortable, relaxed. But since the Queen of Oz came into his life, all things Keith were no more. No offense to lesbian women, but what Keith needed in his life were some sensible gay men to get him back on track. His women-loving wife obviously just lacked the style to pull him together. Enter, the Fab Five….

The Fab Five have teamed up again to try to bring all things hip to Keith Urban. The team, made up of an interior designer, fashion stylist, chef, beauty guru, and a "concierge of cool", led by Carson, met with Keith recently at his new home while the Mrs. was away. They really had their work cut out for them! Carson noticed the differences right away, starting in Keith's new home. Gone was any sense of Keith Urban style. It had all been replaced by cold slate, glass – anything loved by an ice Queen.

First up was Thom, the interior designer. Surely, Keith remembered the home he once loved; the one where he had brought women for a shower and swim in his pool. This was a home that he had dreamed of for a very long time. He had his studio in the dining room because well, Keith just wasn't a formal person. He had no pretentious gate around his house and no 24-hour security, yet he couldn't have felt more secure because he had worked so hard for this place and it was all his own – everything Keith. It was decorated beautifully and he had had a hand in it all. Thom whirled around Keith's house on cloud nine. He brought in this, got rid of that, and quickly was able to turn this huge, cold, stark mansion into a home fit for and loved by Keith Urban, including a studio to help Keith find his muse – and yes, it was properly located in the dining room! The final touch was to remove the large portrait of Nicole above the fireplace, and replace it with a great one he once had adorning his old fireplace, of Mr. Marley.

Next up was Ted, the chef. The days of salads, health food, tofu, and the rest were over for Keith. Keith's taste buds were nearly damaged, Ted could tell, from the lack of variety he had been allowed to eat over the last couple years. Ted quickly ran around Keith's newly redecorated kitchen and taught him how to blend spices to make one of the best cheeseburgers and some sushi; two foods which really don't go together but are Keith's former faves.

Enter Kyan, the beauty guru, who came to Keith's rescue. Keith, Keith, what have you done to your hair? Gone were the long locks that all of the women loved, and they were replaced by a short, helmet-shaped "do". No wonder Keith was turning away heads. Fans used to flock at his feet. Now, he was having a hard time getting anything on the side. Here he thought all along it was just because his wife was pregnant. Kyan's first job was to add some extensions of real hair, to lengthen his style back to the days of Golden Road. Then, Kyan added just a few highlights in the perfect places. He suggested Keith grow out his scruff a bit more and he took him to a tattoo parlor, quite famous in Nashville. Keith came out with two small initials removed from his wrist, and a full tribal sleeve on his arm, sans any name. The very last step, was a few quick squirts of Dolce and Gabbana, so he'd smell just like he used to!

Next to assist was the fashion stylist, Carson himself. First, Carson laid out an old pair of boots. Next came some tight fitting True Religions with a wallet chain draped across the leg. Carson then went to find a nice shirt. He first found an old white t-shirt of which many of the ladies were fond. This is the one that had a tiny hole where his nipple occasionally popped through. On second thought, his attempt wasn't to make the ladies melt; just to keep their interest. He put that one aside and laid out a nice khaki button-down instead. All ladies love Keith in a button-down! Add a thick sock to help Keith show off his package, since it seems to have been shriveling as of late, and a nice beaded bracelet from Ireland and Keith was almost set. "Notice, Keith, that I laid out no boxers for you," said Carson. "Yeah, what's up with that, mate?" "Well, you used to love going commando, so I am taking you clean back to your natural beginning, Keith", he said with a smile, viusalizing what Keith's 'natural beginnning and his ending' must look like. One last touch was added as well – Keith's missing third earring, and voila!

The last to enter for help was Jai, the concierge of cool. Jai's job was to de-dorkify Keith Urban. Jai retaught Keith how to walk. Keith had been photographed lately, walking like a hunched over farmer in a plain t-shirt with his wife. There were also photos of him looking all dorky while riding a horse. This turned off many women, so Jai has his work cut out for him. Jai retaught Keith how to be "cool". They worked on shoulder rolls and foot-stomping and even rolling around on stage with a woman instead of stealing another artist's idea and giving away a guitar. Jai liked the rolling around on stage and enjoyed playing the part of the woman with Keith Urban, so he suggested they practice that part one more time!

Finally, Keith looked the part. He looked just like Keith Urban, and nothing like Keith Kidman. All things skanky were gone from his life. It wasn't hard to do, since she had no photos of her children in their home. They removed a few items of clothing, but since she REALLY didn't ever live in Nashville, that meant throwing a small suitcase quickly to the curb. Her portrait was saved, since Keith knew she would want to take that with her wherever she went. Keith was dressed to the part, he had the right food, his home was comfortable, he smelled good and sported a new package, and he acted spontaneous. He even had his muse and sat to write a new song about the changes in his life, as the Fab Five began to pack their bags. They knew their job was done; Keith was ready.

The five gay men sat in front of their monitor and watched as Keith quickly laid out his new outfit for the evening, then ran to whip up the cheeseburger and sushi he was taught to make earlier in the day. He threw on his clothes just before lighting the candles in his newly redecorated kitchen. He spritzed on the Dolce and Gabbana, just as he was taught to do, and went to the door. In walked a beautiful brunette that Carson had chosen from the ACM crowd the night before. The men relished what they had done, as they watched them eat dinner, and then listened as Keith sang his newly written song to her (which by the way, they knew would be a hit, and it had nothing to do with "Sunshine"). It wasn't long before Keith took her on a tour of his home. It was beautiful. The camera crew followed into the bedroom and the boys realized that their job was complete! Completely on his own, Keith had added a few thoughtful touches of his own. As the camera scanned the room, Carson noticed a small jar of shea butter on the nightstand, next to a bag of M&Ms. Yes, the old Keith was back. Just as the camera began to fade, they could hear the faint sound of a shower running in the background……

Yes, ladies, the Fab Five had done it again. They had de-dorkified Keith Urban. He is well on his way to writing hits for you again and will be welcomed again in Nashville with loving arms. Most importantly, his MUSE is back, and really, that's the greatest attraction! You will all see him accepting awards next year at the ACMs, making much more of a statement in something other than a three-piece suit!

Before Intervention:
After Intervention:

36 comments:

yingyang said...

UM
An intervention is just what KU needs. Fantastic!!!!!

If only we could re-do it for real.

realitycheck said...

UMyths, i can see this blog reveals you really have a thing for the superficial. Another "dream sequence" you play over and over in your head. You're wishing Keith looked like he used to, dressed like he used to. Did his talent have nothing to do with his success? Let us not forget Keith was never perfect. He had the gap in his teeth fixed, before Nicole. His house was sparsely decorated before Nicole. He already had a personal trainer before Nicole. And his fashion, despite the short term memory of alot of skepti-haters wasnt always the best. The gold lame suit anyone?

Let's get real. At this point the skeptics could care less what Keith looks like, eats, wears, or thinks, as long as somehow Nicole becomes "persona non grata" to the man. Thats all that matters. If she were to be out of the picture, and Keith doesnt put out an album to their liking, tour in a manner that suits them, or say all the right things then they can blame Nicole. He's become damaged goods. And then they'll still be on the blogs bashing away.

hoho said...

RC - you are oh so wrong. If you can't see what she has done to him then you are blind fool. His creativity has been replaced by her needs and wants. And that is it. He has become all consumed in this marriage ( and NO that is not what happens in a healthy marriage ) His house was NOT sparsely decorated before her, it was very nicely decorated and so was he. I do care what Keith looks like and what he wears, thinks and feels because I care about Keith Urban. But, you with your know-it-all ideas can think what you want. You will twist it to your liking anyway.

BTW - I loved the blog, a fab 5 intervention would probably do Keith a world of good right about now. Wonder if they could do something with Nicoles fashion sense as of late too. Talk about strange !

White Trash said...

More or less if you thinks he going downhill, he's done it himself. No one is twisting his arm...not even Nicole!

Though, I don't think he's tanking. He's evolving, and realizing that family is a bit more important nowadays!

doublewide said...

well when his career is finished we'll see just how fulfilling his family life is.....he ought to be able to have BOTH but when you're married to the likes of her, i guess that's not possible. she's too needy.

i loved his clothes, gold suit and all, but i also loved the musician and person that he was. you couldn't be more wrong about skeptics being superficial.

i really feel for him if the day comes where is is totally and irrevocably miserable and desperate for his muse and for music.

doublewide said...

oh, i forgot to says kudos to the blogger!

i love it, great job!

notachance said...

Nice pipe dream UM.

Like white trash said, Keith is evolving before our eyes (you may not like it) and he's turned into a man - something the skeptics just don't understand how to accept.

SettleDown said...

To be truthful, I don't necessarily want all aspects of the old Keith back.

Everyone changes and evolves. I wouldn't want to be held to the same image I was 5 yrs ago, but I would hope my changes have been for the better - I can't say that about Keith right now.

Hell, he could even go back to the short hair of the blue album and it wouldn't bother me a bit (just having it look CLEAN would be a huge improvement).

However, the DORK factor and the Tom-tom suits/vests must go!

His creativity has suffered along with is career and being tethered to her constantly has emasculated him to the point that the "it" factor he used to have is no longer recognizable.

I could find myself being happy for him and his "marriage" if I saw any evidence whatsoever the union with her has been a plus for him. I don't.

P-whipped ain't sexy. Never has been and never will be.

I'm afraid he's too far gone now for even the QE guys to salvage.

doublewide said...

To be truthful, I don't necessarily want all aspects of the old Keith back.

i could handle some evolving if i didn't think he was evolving right out of a hard fought career.

maybe he doesn't care and won't ever care again...guess we'll see.

the 3 piece suits need to go IMO...definitely the dork factor in play here...ick

maclen said...

doublewide said...
"well when his career is finished we'll see just how fulfilling his family life is.....he ought to be able to have BOTH but when you're married to the likes of her, i guess that's not possible. she's too needy."

Well doublewide, kidman has already said she doesnt believe she can have a successful marriage and career at the same time... so it seems she solved that little problem, trash urbans career by forcing him to cater every part of his life to her life and career, since it's pretty obvious she isnt going to put her career on hold for a "successful marriage". Yeah the orb is in store for a dismal and cloistered time before this is over.

maclen said...

...oh, and almost missed this! Remember what settledown said!

Settledown said...
"P-whipped ain't sexy. Never has been and never will be."

inittowinit said...

Personally, I don't think this blog has anything to do with us skeptics wanting him to look just like he did before. Of course we all grow, mature, and evolve. However, since she came into his life, he's taken a drastic nosedive. He hasn't produced any good music (his muse seems to be lost), he has altered his appearance drastically, he has lost almost every award for which he's been nominated, and missed several nominations for awards for which he certainly was qualified, he has sold the home that he loved and longed for, he has seemingly turned away from his family, he is quickly changing his music to be more "pop" than "country", he says one thing yet does another, he seems to be giving Nashville the cold shoulder, he says he is writing new music, then provides a sad and LAME sample at the opry - the OPRY!, no less, and he's losing his voice (which of course wasn't helped by all of the travel to see her, and flying in at the very last minute to a show with little practice!). I'd say a LOT has changed in his life. He isn't to be blamed for it all because he's a big boy. But "Big boy" or not, she saw he has an addictive personality and pounced. She took full advantage of him, and for that, she can and will be blamed! Her influence is the reason so much has changed for him - no question. She is poison. She needed Tom Cruise for box office success. Without him, her career has tanked. Now, she's assisting in bringing Keith down with her. IMO, this blog wasn't about bringing back Keith's clone of old, but about the need for him to open his eyes to see all of the changes in his life and how she has influenced them. His career woud be a lot better off without her in his life. And yes, he would be too, for I don't see an ounce of love between them

inittowinit said...

One more thing.....I believe this blog was a play on the things I mentioned above, rather than to imply that skeptics expect him to be exactly the same. Some of you take things way too literally!

realitycheck said...

hoho, his house was decorated like it was barely lived in. You could clearly see that. Apart from a few awards on the wall it looked like any other nice home you'd see in at any open house anywhere int he country.

As for my supposed "know-it-all" attitude i will not apologize for being confident in my opinions. There are a couple of regular posters here who are just as "know-it-all" and are applauded. Why? Because they are tried-and true skeptics. The kind that will rag on Keith even if he split with Nicole tomorrow.

Lisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa said...

RC we dont have to apologize to you for being confident in our opinions either.

Dont tell UM that noone else saw them get snubbed when CU won her award. I know (unlike you- for a FACT) that many ppl saw it, some werent even fans of his, some were fans of CU's and some were only fans of NK.

It's clear after how Nicole "BLESSED" the performance unity between KU & CU that something is fishy between the 3. I just hope Carrie realizes she doesnt need to be NK's damn TOOL. That- RC- is YOUR job.

There's life outside you RC and your 'opinions'. I'm starting to believe you're working with someone because everytime we catch onto something going on, you come here & attempt to side track the truth you see us type.

Right on cue- RC. We can pretty much predict when you'll show up next.

inittowinit said...

Please fill me in on what CU did to snub KUNK after she won her award - are you referring to when she didn't go back to her seat? I wasn't watching closely (too much wine perhaps?) and kept going back and forth b/w the TV and something else, so I obviously missed something. Thanks.....

getaholdofurself said...

i wasn't fond of the cream suit until i saw that black get up again. his stylist should have been fired on the spot!

realitycheck said...

hey lisa, you're way out there in your assumptions. I post here, of my own accord, when there's a new blog entry, or when someone directly addresses my post. Its true i havent posted on every blog because as of late i dont feel every blog is worth my time. The Umyths music festival entries are just one example. And i said as much in the comments. If you dont see me posting its because i have nothing to say.

I'm not sidetracking the discussion by offering an alternate viewpoint. The writers here say that all opinions are welcome. And yet so many people that comment cant seem to accept that. I stay on topic and always address what the blogger has to say. Its up to the public when they read this to decide what they believe. Not everyone who reads this blog thinks whats posted by Umyths is "The Truth".

And i will say it again there was no snub. Can you imagine if Carrie had hugged Keith and/or Nicole. Skeptics would have flooded the message boards claiming theres something between KU and CU and she's flaunting it in front of NK or that someone paid Carrie to hug NK on camera. And most of the time artists when they win vocalist awards dont thank their touring partner. Skepti-haters create yet another "Snub-gate", just like they did with Kenny at the CMA's.

Its just something to gossip over since unfortunately for Umyths, life is good for both Keith and Nicole.

banbotox said...

Great job on the blog.
Fab Five to the Rescue!

Sadly, he looks like the poster child for the P-whipped these day.

Lisa said...

RC how do you KNOW life is so damn good for them?? Even Nicole herself wont admit such a thing.

Sorry- there's too much proof they arent.

He wants back in country's good graces & she needs to soak the spotlight of other's achievements to be seen. THAT is what they tried to do with Carrie.

Lisa said...

Oh by the way, whoever made the comment about how much she grabbed her crotch on the carpet, it looks like you sparked a new article, blatantly calling it her "abdomen".

I'm just wondering how shes gonna work out this naked preggie photo. I'm surprised he would stand for such a thing.

zoe said...

This is off topic, but just a little snippit of news, Chris McHugh, Keith's longtime drummer is getting married this week end in Nashville. Not sure if KUNK will be there but there is a distinct possibility.

maclen said...

zoe said...
"This is off topic, but just a little snippit of news, Chris McHugh, Keith's longtime drummer is getting married this week end in Nashville. Not sure if KUNK will be there but there is a distinct possibility."

Zoe, at this point in kidman's failed career, I would not be at all surprised if they did... as I'm sure at this point she would do weddings... bar mitvah's ...prom nights...anywhere she can wear her padded dresses. As for that story going around about how she might do a nude pregnant shoot...who knows... but the most hilarious part of it is how it said she wants to wait until she is really showing before she does it! Nude means no padded dresses... so expect them to be taken just seconds before she gives childbirth.

Urban Myths said...

Interesting, Zoe. Keith's first stadium show with Kenny is on Saturday in Cleveland. Will this be the first of the stadium shows he cancels because of another "commitment"?

zoe said...

I don't know anything else, but that Chris McHugh is suppose to get married this weekend and the wedding is in Nashville.

cricket said...

Well for Mchugh's bride's sake I hope he invites Keith but tells him to leave the botox queen at home.This should be the bride's day and not a showcase for Baldy's crotch grabbing.

hesaweiner said...

Ya know, I wouldn't care if he was whipped. If I thought he really was happy and "balanced". But, I don't see it. At all!

So Mc Chester the molester looking drummer will be getting married the same day he has a show?

realitycheck said...

"RC how do you KNOW life is so damn good for them?? Even Nicole herself wont admit such a thing.

Sorry- there's too much proof they arent."


Life is never trouble-free or withouts its problems and issues. It doesn't mean it still cant be good.

notachance said...

Interesting that McHuge would be getting married on a weekend that there is a stadium show. I can't see Keith playing a show without him and I can't see him not going to the wedding so...maybe it's on Sunday evening or something?

inittowinit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
notachance said...

Well isn't that one big name-dropping affair.

Speaking of Ms. Buxton - the picture of her with the band backstage at the ACM'S where she was leaning into Chris R. - was that McHuge next to her all slimmed down? Does anyone know?

rememberwhen said...

I thought Chris and Betsy already got married last year?

dropping by said...

Yes, Chris M has lost some weight. Just saw him and the other guys the end of last month and McHugh had a girl with him then (don't know who she was) but several people commented on the weight loss and how much younger he looks in person.

Let me guess, Reality Check wants to dispute this too??? Don't think so (I was there).

realitycheck said...

Keep the comments directed at me coming, "dropping by"! LOL They wont get me to leave.

And no i dont need to dispute your claim. I've seen the slimmer McHugh. But whats interesting is this blog is supposed to be about evil Nicole, p-wipped Keith, and the ACM's have just happened. It seems there just isnt enough dirt on them to keep the conversation on topic. What a surprise!

ZOE said...

Sorry RC that I distracted everybody from the discussion of how NK is a vile & disgusting has been famewhore. (I've seen her in person in her day to day life & a pretty sight it is NOT). There was not a particular blog about KU's philandering man slut band members. Maybe you should start one. I am sure you would get an ear full. But then again, I forgot, you know everything, so why bother.

On with RC's warped sense of reality(you must be a publicist).