Thursday, July 10, 2008

Tennessean Classified Ad

Have you seen this one?

Career Opportunity:

Famous and stunningly beautiful, although slightly frozen, A List actress with Oscar win and several Golden Globe nominations (and her country singer husband) invite applications for flexible and adaptable female to act as a Baby Nanny / Body Guard. Must be willing to re-locate to a Tennessee farm, complete with goats and wild turkeys. Required attributes include:

1. Familiar with the top ten paparazzi photographers and tabloid reporters, including contact numbers; proof that phone numbers are on speed dial on applicant’s cell phone considered an asset.
2. Willing to use bodily force up to and including fisticuffs, kick boxing, eye gouging and ball busting to protect the “privacy” of the employer, if said employer is concerned that her fake persona is being exposed…errhhh…if required to maintain the employer’s “correct image.”
3. Capable of entertaining newborn infant so that A List famous and somewhat bored actress / mother is not required to interact with said infant for up to four months at a time, while preparing for movie roles or promoting perfume or watches or pretty much any product that will keep her famous and in the press.
4. Special request from the country singer husband – must enjoy M&M’s and be willing to work on “special projects” which may require overtime.
5. Must be able to give baby baths and have baby’s father give nanny baths in return.
6. Must be able to bend or stretch to avoid flying objects inside home.
7. Must be able to feed goats.
8. Minimum 1 yr experience in Botox administration as well as post-surgical home care.
9. Cannot be allergic to cigarette smoke, as employer smokes like a chimney.
10. Must have green thumb, in order to tend to employers organic vegetable garden
11. Must have strong stomach, as part of nanny/bodyguard's job will be to view employer when she first arises in the morning.
12. Must be able to juggle two Starbucks cups each and everyday without spilling a drop.
13. Must be willing to lay down their life for the employer, as the employer is "entitled" and deemed "superior" to any other person on the planet.
14. Nanny must be fluent in several languages as may be asked to speak words like concussed.
15. Prefer person who has not seen a film staring Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes or Naomi Watts or just about any actor of the last 50 years who is considered talented.
16. Nanny must know the difference between the wild turkeys of Tennessee and the Wild Turkey kept in the secret private stash in the husband’s suite.
17. Nanny will be terminated with no notice and will be held for libel if they write any personal memoirs of their experience.
18. Must be a Plain Jane, no makeup required.
19. Must have own laptop computer and monitor all hate/worship sites on a daily basis.
20. Must be able to post on all hate sites, ridiculing posters in order to defend honor of employer. 21. Must be able to post on all worship sites to make sure there is no discussion of "taboo" topics. 22. Must be medical, but not very "tasty".
23. Must supply own bubble bath and shea butter.
24. Must be willing to paint employer's toe nails, when husband is out of town.
25. Preference will be given to applicants with banana bread recipes.
26. Must be into threesome's and able to endure 3 hours of sensationalism.
27. Applicants must have a strong working knowledge of goat herding and milking. Possession of a goat cheese recipe an asset.
28. Applicants with past experience combing merkins will get special consideration.
29. Twin sisters under the age of 30 should apply as a team, including pictures and vital statistics.
30. Must be willing to sign confidentiality agreement as drawn up by the lawyers of Tom Cruise.
31. Must not have car sickness, as you will spend many days in the front of a bus (and some nights in the back).
32. Must wear a beige uniform at all times.
33. Must have a great memory to remind the mother the name of her child.
34. Must pretend to love husband's effort at love songs as attempted on his soon-to-be released CD even though said love songs and lullabies suck the big one.

Apply in writing, including height, weight & bust measurements as well as color photo in thong bikini, to:

Hank And Evie Numbnuts
c/o Lesna Sivad's Makinakillin Legal Services
Green Hills, Tennessee

42 comments:

doublewide said...

oh i'm just loving this one!!

bahahaha

maclen said...

Yes doublewide, this ad certainly summorizes it all in one thorough and all encompassing swope doesnt it? Excellent find, Urban Myths...no doubt a few applicants from this board are at this very moment polishing their resumes, huh? Although I'm sure kidman already has a stable of these grotesquely over qualified scychophants and abnormally back bending and brown nosing go-fers in her employ... but a fresh stable of these mindless automotrons to gauge and release her online plants and leaks is always needed for the size of kidman's self agrandizing and self centered neurotic need for media and press coverage.

cricket said...

Love it. LMAO Good luck to whoever winds up with the job.They're going to need it.

Imahick said...

OK...now that is just plain funny. Thanks, UM.

hesaweiner said...

I was channel surfing at stopped on Kathy Griffins (sp) D Listed show tonight, never saw it before. She went to Oz and during her show she mocked Kidman.

She went on about how her face has been frozen since early scenes of Far and Away.

Then made fun of her plumped lips at the award show saying, not that I think Keith would punch her, but you know he likes his drinks..

Now your a Dlisted joke in your own country.

realitycheck said...

A summary of all the idiotic theories from this blog in one convenient place? Thanks!

weiner, this isnt the first time Kathy has used Nicole to further her career. Look into one of the titles of a previous special. Its interesting though that Kathy's not a fan of religion or God. Wonder what some of you think of her anti-Jesus comment.

Anyway, the only one who's D-listed is Griffin. Someone who is that low on the ladder does what you all do here AND gets paid for it. How appropriate. Too bad you'll never get a cut.

Anna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anna said...

Might I add a footnote to the advertisement?

Applicants must have a passport and be willing to travel at a minutes notice worldwide.

Successful applicant will have no extended family or friendships of any kind as the employer will need the applicant to pretend to be a close personal friend and take them to lunch and the tennis on a weekly basis.

Good dental work a must, you will be photographed daily!

notachance said...

"Anyway, the only one who's D-listed is Griffin."

RC - sorry, but Kathy is anything but D-list. Jokes on you.

Love that she was double banned from The View - Kathy wears that badge with pride.

Add to the nanny quals -

Must be able to navigate steep concrete steps in new Beverly Hills home and keep child from falling thru walls of glass.

wastedemotion said...

RC-
You and sonora both convinently ignore my question....."Why continue to associate yourself with a bunch of classless, foolish, (newly added idiotic) bitches?!"
And as for her not being a fan of God, and her anti-jesus statements.....hmm another fallen angel from the Catholic Church....sounds like someone....but I just cant put my finger on who else fell from the catholic church and got involved in a CRAZY cult. RC could you possibly have any clue who I might be thinking of?!

Molly said...

I would apply if it was only #5 and #31.....

White Trash said...

I've been reading this blog for quite sometime now and at times do find what you bloggers post as humerous, although I think the majority of you skeptics truly reek of jealousy and I question your motives behind this blog. I'm not a fan of Nicole's, I don't think she's that great an actor, but if she's making Keith happy then who are we to begrudge that? So what he's not making music right now and he's devoting time to his family? Be happy for him, instead of finding ways to belittle his wife with your constant diatribes of hatred for her. It gets you nowhere!

Imahick said...

Oh boy...someone has lost her sense of humor...

Here we go with the jealousy ... Good lawd. I don't want to sleep with Keith Urban. I don't want to marry him. I don't want to have his baby.

I don't hate Nicole Kidman. I don't even think she's a terrible actor. I do think she's a controlling manipulative and self absorbed person...who has had a negavitive impact on Keith Urban's career.

That's what this is about for me. I don't speak for the skeptics. Imagine that. We are all individuals and have varying opinions. Don't lump us all together assuming you understand why we come here and post.

wastedemotion said...

imahick-
While you might not speak for me you did a fine job!!!
I ditto everything you say!!!

maclen said...

So, it's been a week of overhyped stories...an overdose of leaks and media planted fables...of the old and tired stories about bizzaro names and all the phony back stories and the tawdry spectacle of relatives climbing out of the woodwork to further and milk the publicity. Publicity that lost it's steam when mcconaughey also delivered and actually made some news...and the lesser spears unveiled the kid on a magazine, and I bet will even be for more money than kidman is going to recieve... Seems the only story left is when kidman and co. will lam it from tennessee for OZ...and then back onto the endless cycle of one movie set after the other ... I for one am simply hoping that the rumor going around that jolie is going to induce the twins next tuesday is actually true and blow these mediocre celebs off the media radar. One can only hope...

CJ said...

hesaweiner, earlier this week Bravo reran a 2005 (I think) KG show titled "I'm not Nicole Kidman". I keep waiting for the jokes during the show - they never came. Finally at the end she explained why she named her show what she did. "I'll never be like the NK's. Tall, super skinny, etc. They are clothes hangers with a head. Of course all clothes look good on her! Clothes look good on the hanger so they look good on hangers with a head."

I thought it was funny. Either Ted remembered that comment or agrees with her from his "Hanger that swallowed a rodent" comment.

White Trash said...

"I don't hate Nicole Kidman. I don't even think she's a terrible actor. I do think she's a controlling manipulative and self absorbed person...who has had a negavitive impact on Keith Urban's career."

Sounds like hatred and jealousy to me, but that's just my opinion and I apologize for reading too much into your controlling manipulative words. And yes, this is also my opinion, but your so called group of "Skeptics" joined forces together because you all felt the same. There's nothing wrong with that, but continuing to chastise, mock and degrade Keith's wife beccause you may or may not think she's a bad influence on his career is getting really old. If anyone is to blame, it's Keith himself. He made his choices, he seems happy, why not let him be?

Casse Role said...

Here we go again. I didn't want to jump in, but yes... I asked that you don't lump ALL of us in as WHY we come here, or post here. You have no idea why I joined in with this blog. I am not jealous of Mrs. Keith Urban, I have read articles, and saw interviews. In my opinion, I didn't like what I read and saw.
I am seeing someone completely different then what RC and Sonofrona see. I would like to ask, (although it seems many don't answer back) if those here who are defending NK have ever posted on another blog or message board in regard to not liking someone? Whether it be in their life or a Celebs?? You can't tell me, that with all that you have said and posted, you have never ventured somewhere else and laughed and/or spoke unkind about someone?? I'd sure love to see your posts on other boards/subjects etc.I feel this is a waste of time again, because it just keeps going in circles.
Ladies, let those who come here with a heavy hand to scold us, believe what they want. We know our reasons. As for Keith being Happy. I sure hope he is. He is the one that has to live with his choices.

doublewide said...

Love that she was double banned from The View - Kathy wears that badge with pride.

Add to the nanny quals -

Must be able to navigate steep concrete steps in new Beverly Hills home and keep child from falling thru walls of glass

oh notachance, love your addition. ok, tell me why KG was banned from the view! i haven't heard this

CJ said...

Not sure about the first ban, but the second ban came from her telling "a funny little story about Barbara Walters". Backstage at the View when KG was there the topic of conversation was KY. Barbara mentioned she preferred astroglide (sp?). KG thought it was funny and repeated the story somewhere. Walters heard about it and had her banned from the show. Again. To replace the missed View publicity Kathy got ordained as a minister and married a "straight couple". She got great publicity for it. At her show that might she told the story of the double banning from the View and ended it with "And they thought I wouldn't tell 5000 people about it tonight." and made a funny face and shrugged. It was pretty funny.

CJ said...

lol, I think Kathy is touring more this year than Keith is.

doublewide said...

lol, I think Kathy is touring more this year than Keith is.

i think you're right! thanks for the info CJ

banbotox said...

anna said: Applicants must have a passport and be willing to travel at a minutes notice worldwide.
Successful applicant will have no extended family or friendships of any kind as the employer will need the applicant to pretend to be a close personal friend and take them to lunch and the tennis on a weekly basis.Good dental work a must, you will be photographed daily!


hahahaha great additions to the ad!! No salary mentioned...wonder what the pay would be??
This sums up the superficial world that kidman lives in...

maclen said...

So, there's another official kidman press release from People.com...

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20212128,00.html

...again another "reported" sighting, but no pic...again...so what was the last actual photo of kidman? Almost a month now? Well the leaks and plants continue to vulgar excess... tomkat sending a gift basket, but not flowers...buy another house in beverly hills...she probably wants to get as any of them out there before jolie sucks the attention out of her sails...

maclen said...

...ps..

...Ha..heres another one...

http://www.thewest.com.au/default.aspx?MenuID=5&ContentID=84392

...kidman needs a stud! The orb it seems must have been lacking the first time... it took too long apparently...

ShutUpAndSing said...

I see the Nannies are already earning their pay.. geeez

Maybe Keith, Janelle or Antonia stayed behind to take care of the baby she so longed to have.

Good Luck Sunday Rose!

CJ said...

House Hunting 101: NEVER buy a property sight unseen. You'd think at 40 & 41 the Kidman's would know better. Then again, if these recently leaked purchases are just investment property, like the Sydney waterfront apartment they visited once and never lived in, I guess it doesn't really matter.

Molly said...

your link doesn't work maclen. What did it say?

maclen said...

Molly said...

"your link doesn't work maclen. What did it say?"

Molly, I checked the link, I think you just need to copy the entire link....but heres the article.

http://www.thewest.com.au/default.aspx?MenuID=5&ContentID=84392

Kidman buys cattle stud
12th July 2008, 9:45 WST

Nicole Kidman is set to become the cattle queen of the NSW Southern Highlands

Nicole Kidman is set to become the cattle queen of the NSW Southern Highlands. Life will almost imitate art for the actress and her country music star husband, Keith Urban, who have snapped up Bunya Hill, a 45ha cattle stud at Sutton Forest, for about $6.5 million.

The couple are yet to visit the property. They are in the US, where their daughter, Sunday Rose, was born this week.

In the new Baz Luhrmann movie, Australia, Kidman stars as Lady Sarah Ashley, an English aristocrat who inherits a cattle station in northern Australia.

SYDNEY

maclen said...

...so I took a quick inventory of stories this week... beyond the birth of course...and just this week we have 1) Baptism in OZ...2) sis blabs to people.com...3) dear old dad blabs that kid is named for apparently seedy "menage a trois-zer"... 4) tomkat gift...flowers at first, and then just a gift basket...(kidman wanted a publicity double wammy from the ex, of course)...5) moving to london...6) they buy beverly hills home...7) buys cattle stud...(???!!) ...8) another planted non photo sighting at people.com again...boy, kidman must be in publicity pig heaven...despite the fact that 99% of these stories are from her inept team kidman ... it absolutely reeks of bald face, unashamed and gluttonous attention mongering... but as has been shown in her choice of movies and her notorious willingness to drop trou in them so regularly...shame is one thing that is alien to kidman... as is discretion.

banbotox said...

If she used discretion or felt an ounce of shame, how would she feed that insatiable ego?

SettleDown said...

The countdown to Tuesday's arrival of Angie's twins has begun so they've gotta grab every ounce of attention they can until then.

Once the twins arrive, no one will remember Baldy and her desperate attempts to remain in the press.

3 days and counting - it's scary to think of how deep the crapola might get before the 15th.

ZOE said...

Has anyone seen this?...makes you wonder...

from People:

"Nicole Kidman makes a Post-Baby Outing

Just four days after giving birth to daughter Sunday Rose, Nicole Kidman was spotted having lunch with two friends at Bread and Company in Nashville on Friday.

Casually dressed in a denim jacket, Kidman ate chicken salad while laughing and talking with her friends. Observers tell PEOPLE that the new mom looked happy and well rested.

"She looked amazing," noted one diner, "relaxed and glowing and surprisingly fresh-faced for a new mom. Motherhood really suits her well."

Kidman, 41, and her husband, country singer Keith Urban, 40, welcomed their daughter on Monday at a Nashville hospital.

This is the first sighting of Kidman since giving birth. Her mother Janelle and sister Antonia flew into Nashville on Saturday for an extended vacation to help welcome the newest addition to the Kidman-Urban family. According to the new parents, however, help might not be necessary. "We feel immensely blessed and grateful to be given this beautiful baby girl," the happy couple said in an exclusive statement to PEOPLE. "She's an absolute delight."

Here's the link:

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20212128,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines

Imahick said...

OK...all I can say is that if NK's peeps released this tidbit to keep her name in the press, it was an error in judgement. What new mother leaves her four day old newborn and goes out to lunch with friends? Can you say cold hearted? There is no way I was interested in leaving that new little life and having lunch with friends in the first few weeks. If she wanted to touch base with her special friends (paid staff), she could have had them over for lunch. It's not like she would have had to cook herself!

It's obvious that NK isn't actually taking care of this baby, either. She's refreshed and glowing??? No new mother looks refreshed and glowing four days post partum unless she has an army of Nannies and staff to provide for that child and home.

I'm sure we'll get more glowing reports about how NK is a "hands on" mother. I don't buy it. At four days ... any mother who is caring for a newborn 24/7 is lucky if she gets a shower and her teeth brushed, let alone looks glowing and refreshed.

Nice going Wendy...this time, you went just a bit too far and anyone who has any common sense will see that NK, if she did actually deliver a baby, isn't actually mothering that child. I bet she holds her and feeds her a bottle from time to time, but I'm not seeing NK up at night rocking that little one or really dealing with the diaper situation. Hopefully Keith has the sense to be hands on, or this child will grow up as isolated as Bella and Connor.

Sonora_Melody said...

Woohoo, let the Brangelina media circus begin!!! That should keep the tabloid writers and bloggers busy enough that they won't have time to make up stories about the Urbans.

UMyths skeptics are a sorry lot if you can't see that a vast majority of the stories printed about the Urbans are made up by the media to get more web hits and circulation.

Imahick said...

NK worshippers are a sorry lot if they don't realize that most of the BS in the press is released by NK's own PR peeps...to ensure that the "correct image" is portrayed.

Sonora_Melody said...

" Imahick said...
NK worshippers are a sorry lot if they don't realize that most of the BS in the press is released by NK's own PR peeps...to ensure that the "correct image" is portrayed."

lol, I never realized that NK is THAT "powerful" that she can control the press by just giving them what to print.:) Of course you skeptics want people to believe that NK is "paying off" the media. Amazing how "rich" she is to be able to do that. :)

wastedemotion said...

sonora-
How big are those blinders you have on?

Sonora_Melody said...

"wastedemotion said...
sonora-
How big are those blinders you have on?"

Much, much smaller than yours. Thank you very much!

wastedemotion said...

Hey Sonora-
Thanks for admitting you have blinders on!!!

Sonora_Melody said...

wastedemotion....
Your blinders are much, much BIGGER!!

You have just admitted as much.

wastedemotion said...

sonora-
Is that all you got?! Where is the originality, you've become a waste of my time.