Have you seen this one?
Famous and stunningly beautiful, although slightly frozen, A List actress with Oscar win and several Golden Globe nominations (and her country singer husband) invite applications for flexible and adaptable female to act as a Baby Nanny / Body Guard. Must be willing to re-locate to a Tennessee farm, complete with goats and wild turkeys. Required attributes include:
1. Familiar with the top ten paparazzi photographers and tabloid reporters, including contact numbers; proof that phone numbers are on speed dial on applicant’s cell phone considered an asset.
2. Willing to use bodily force up to and including fisticuffs, kick boxing, eye gouging and ball busting to protect the “privacy” of the employer, if said employer is concerned that her fake persona is being exposed…errhhh…if required to maintain the employer’s “correct image.”
3. Capable of entertaining newborn infant so that A List famous and somewhat bored actress / mother is not required to interact with said infant for up to four months at a time, while preparing for movie roles or promoting perfume or watches or pretty much any product that will keep her famous and in the press.
4. Special request from the country singer husband – must enjoy M&M’s and be willing to work on “special projects” which may require overtime.
5. Must be able to give baby baths and have baby’s father give nanny baths in return.
6. Must be able to bend or stretch to avoid flying objects inside home.
7. Must be able to feed goats.
8. Minimum 1 yr experience in Botox administration as well as post-surgical home care.
9. Cannot be allergic to cigarette smoke, as employer smokes like a chimney.
10. Must have green thumb, in order to tend to employers organic vegetable garden
11. Must have strong stomach, as part of nanny/bodyguard's job will be to view employer when she first arises in the morning.
12. Must be able to juggle two Starbucks cups each and everyday without spilling a drop.
13. Must be willing to lay down their life for the employer, as the employer is "entitled" and deemed "superior" to any other person on the planet.
14. Nanny must be fluent in several languages as may be asked to speak words like concussed.
15. Prefer person who has not seen a film staring Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes or Naomi Watts or just about any actor of the last 50 years who is considered talented.
16. Nanny must know the difference between the wild turkeys of Tennessee and the Wild Turkey kept in the secret private stash in the husband’s suite.
17. Nanny will be terminated with no notice and will be held for libel if they write any personal memoirs of their experience.
18. Must be a Plain Jane, no makeup required.
19. Must have own laptop computer and monitor all hate/worship sites on a daily basis.
20. Must be able to post on all hate sites, ridiculing posters in order to defend honor of employer. 21. Must be able to post on all worship sites to make sure there is no discussion of "taboo" topics. 22. Must be medical, but not very "tasty".
23. Must supply own bubble bath and shea butter.
24. Must be willing to paint employer's toe nails, when husband is out of town.
25. Preference will be given to applicants with banana bread recipes.
26. Must be into threesome's and able to endure 3 hours of sensationalism.
27. Applicants must have a strong working knowledge of goat herding and milking. Possession of a goat cheese recipe an asset.
28. Applicants with past experience combing merkins will get special consideration.
29. Twin sisters under the age of 30 should apply as a team, including pictures and vital statistics.
30. Must be willing to sign confidentiality agreement as drawn up by the lawyers of Tom Cruise.
31. Must not have car sickness, as you will spend many days in the front of a bus (and some nights in the back).
32. Must wear a beige uniform at all times.
33. Must have a great memory to remind the mother the name of her child.
34. Must pretend to love husband's effort at love songs as attempted on his soon-to-be released CD even though said love songs and lullabies suck the big one.
Apply in writing, including height, weight & bust measurements as well as color photo in thong bikini, to:
Hank And Evie Numbnuts
c/o Lesna Sivad's Makinakillin Legal Services
Green Hills, Tennessee