Monday, February 11, 2008

Why Keith Wasn't At The Grammy's

The Pre-Grammy Conversation

It’s February 7th, and Keith walks out of his bedroom at NK’s Darling Point pile, with his bags packed.

NK: What are you doing?

Keith: Hey baby…I was just finishing up packing. Are you ready yet?

NK: Ready for what?

Keith: It’s time to get going …either today or tomorrow … to the Grammy’s, baby. They’re a couple of days from now and I’m up for an award.

NK: An award…what for? Did you get nominated for the Umbrella song…I love that song.

Keith: No baby…remember? For Stupid Boy….best country male performance.

NK: Country…God, that makes me queasy.

Keith: I know you don’t really like my music, Sweetheart, but it’s something I’m proud of. I thought you said you’d come over, we’d go to the Grammy’s, and then you’d spend a few days on the road with me before the Oscars.

NK: Well, I’ve changed my mind.

Keith: We could see the kids. I was talking to Connor and he’d love to go Go-carting.

NK: Who?

Keith: Connor…your son.

NK: I talked to Casper on the webcam last night … and he said nothing about Go-carting. And Ivanka wasn’t even at home to talk to me. I can’t believe that child was so inconsiderate as to be out when I called by webcam. Does she think I have nothing but time?

Keith: Well to be fair, baby, she didn’t know you were going to try to call.

NK: Whatever…I’m still not going.

Keith: Aww…baby. Please come with me. It’s important to me.

NK: Surely you’re kidding? There’s nothing over there for me til the Oscars at the end of the month. I have shopping to do HERE. I have more beige baby outfits to get. Surely you don’t think I plan to fly all the way over there just to hold your freaking hand at a music awards show. It’s absurd. I went to that pathetic country award show last fall and was just totally embarrassed with all those hicks.

Keith: But Nic, I’ve gone out to all the events you and Wendy wanted me to. I put those stupid white tennis clothes on … I looked like a freak.

NK: You looked like a complete dork. But it wasn’t about you.

Keith: And we flew all the way to Melbourne to watch 20 minutes of a tennis match…20 minutes.

NK: Someone in the crowd LOOKED at me…right in the eyes. I’m pregnant now. Surely you don’t think I should put up with that kind of impudence in my delicate condition.

Keith: Nic…I really want to go to the Grammy’s. It’s my thing. This is about music…my music.

NK: It WAS your thing. I’m your thing now. I’m your baby mama.

Keith: Look … I know you’re pregnant and if it’s my baby, I’m sticking this out…but I still want to be involved in my music … please baby.

NK: You are serious, aren’t you? You think I should put my health and the health of this baby in jeopardy for you?

Keith: Of course not … never. But you exercise like crazy. Flying in your private jet isn’t going to put this baby in harms way.

NK: Of course I exercise…I can’t afford to gain any weight. The only weight I am planning to gain is for these puppies (opens her shirt and squeezes her boobs together)…I should have held off on the implants and just gotten knocked up. This way, they are both getting bigger…not just the right one.

Keith: I told you not to do it…the implants never worked out, Nic. OK…you’re exercising at least 3 hours a day plus doing yoga. You’re going out day in and day out, trying to get the paparazzi to take your picture. They run when they see you coming now. You’ve flown several times in your private jet. I don’t think it’s a hazard for you to fly over to the US with me...honestly, the doctor said it was fine.

NK: Look…shut the f*ck up and respect me. I’m the mother of your child.

Keith: I still can’t figure that out. You say you got pregnant in October, but I don’t remember us having (shivers and makes a face) sex for months and months.

NK: Who said it was conceived that way? I don’t need sex… I needed your man juice. You made that deposit earlier this year…and the rest, as you might say, is history.

Keith: So you went ahead with fertility treatments without telling me.

NK: Why do you think you are entitled to know? Now get the nail polish out.

Keith: No…please…not that. God…not that. (Keith gets pale and sweaty)

NK: Yes…it’s time. (she pulls her sweaty slippers off and flops her size 11 ½'s up on the bedside table.)

Keith: Please Nic…please…not the toe nails.

NK: Get to it. And get the Grammy’s out of your empty head.

Keith: OK…as long as I get to keep my boat. I love my boat. (head hanging, shaking the polish bottle)

NK: Good … get to it. The boat is yours…as long as you play nice. (Keith makes a face, as the odor of her feet wafts up filling his nose)

Keith: Yes .. baby…I’ve chosen a distinctive tan color today…it’s a nice change from the usual shade of beige that you love.

NK: That’s just great…tan. I bet I have a new dress I can wear to the Oscars to match a nice tan toe nail varnish. And when you’re finished, you can get my pubic wig out and get it ready. (Keith shivers again but doesn’t miss a stroke)


doublewide said...

UM, i love these conversations! keep em coming! i imagine that's just the way it went

JapHal said...

Now that is funny as hell.. love the bit about him polishing her toe nails.. Ha.. can you imagine??

realitycheck said...

These fake conversations are getting really old.

doublewide said...

These fake conversations are getting really old.

then go find something new....

ShutUpAndSing said...

OMG.. that was too funny. I almost spit of coffee out on my computer.

Keith must have been painting those toenails to get ready for the secret Leibovitz photo shoot..

Good work umyths. Thanks for the monday morning laughs

ShutUpAndSing said...

And may I say, it is very sad indeed when it's more important to set around at her photo shoot rather than coming back her to go to the grammy. Yes he didn't know that he was going to win but he did. Once his own choice..she and her career are more important than him and his career.

Interesting that he wins and Grammy and now..viola we have pics of her again after about a week. She had to trump him somehow.

isitoveryet said...

shutupandsing - I couldn't agree more. Mr. Kidman - you look pathetic. I think attending an awards show for your career is a little bit more important than being a lapdog at a photo shoot for your wife's next flop. You really don't give a crap about your career do you? Well, we'll return the favor and not go to your shows either? What happened to you?

maclen said...

ShutUpAndSing said...
"OMG.. that was too funny. I almost spit of coffee out on my computer."

Thats funny SUAS,... I once spilled an entire cup of coffee on my keyboard... I was able to open it and dry it out... but the tab key no longer worked... so I used to type like this.... Well-my-keyboards-tab-key-doesnt-work.

Yeah, I really love these satire converstations. It really puts them in the ridiculous light they so nitwittingly provide for us little naysayers. But dont fool yourself in beleiving that it is just this blog that notices how pretty manufactured they are... (movies failures and dwindling cd sales prove it.) Urban should take a cue from his headliner, underwood. She won 2 awards and actually showed to accept them, thats how it successfully done.... and it seems was important enough to perform... urban should bother to give a damn.

banbotox said...

Very funny!
I wonder if she has lemon colored nail polish?

undecided said...

Someone in the crowd LOOKED at me…right in the eyes. I’m pregnant now

For a minute I thought she was saying that's HOW she got pregnant. Funny...

MatonGuitar said...

The crafting of this cuttingly, crisp, conversation is beautifully brilliant!