Sunday, November 2, 2008

Nicole Kidman's Diary - Part One

Nicole Kidman bared her soul and then buried the diary. She had her publicist write one because it was promised to help promote her latest flop. We found the original diary written by Nicole and are bringing it exclusively to our Urban Myths’ Readers.

WEEK ONE –KUNUNURRA

DAY I
I despise Mondays. I can’t believe they’ve put me on a plane with a bunch of people who are simply extras or bit actors. It’s disgusting. There is no bathroom on the plane, and I’ve told them, through my Personal Assistant (Keith), that when we land, I will be using the facilities first and they are not to look directly at me, as I disembark this plane, nor crowd around me waiting for the bathroom. When I have had time to freshen up, we will advise them and they can look away as I leave the facility. Then they can use it...

I walked in the park with my niece on the weekend and I have sore feet. They’re blistered and oozing. When Keith was painting my toe nails, he told me that they have an odor, but not that much more pungent than usual. I will ask Baz to advise everyone that my feet are sore and so, they must carry my things and possibly even carry me to the set and out to the horses. I am a martyr to carry on under the circumstances.

It’s horribly hot. I have had to ask that the assistants bring me additional ice for my water, as the water temperature had risen above 8 degrees C and I’ve told them repeatedly that it must remain at 6 degrees or below, or I can’t possibly drink it. I don’t want them to think I’m a diva, but this is absurd.

My hairdresser has not been feeling well. He had a very high fever, abdominal pain, bloody diarrhea and was vomiting on and off this morning. They offered me another hairdresser, but I refused. Do they think I would submit to another person touching my hair? I told him to feel free to lay down this afternoon for 45 minutes while I’m on set, and then, when I return, he can wash and set it for the evening. He was grateful for the rest, especially in this heat. I am a kind master and quite medical.

King George was chanting and singing some aboriginal crap. I told him to please be quiet. It is so annoying how self centered he is. I’ve had a very trying day, my feet are sore and my hairdresser is ill and couldn’t give me the attention I usually get, so I was in no mood to humor his caterwauling. I am not inclined to listen to his drivel. It’s hot. It’s dusty. I’m tired as I spent almost two hours on set in the heat, while assistants fanned me, just to keep me from passing out.

DAY II
It is very hot. My hairdresser says that the bloody diarrhea is much better and his abdominal pain is subsiding. He is quite dehydrated and feels weak. I told him to make sure he washed his hands carefully before touching me when he’s doing my hair. The last thing I need is an infection from him.

I find this whole experience overwhelming. It’s the hottest day yet. My feet are still sore. My hair is not what it should be because my hairdresser is unable to give me his best efforts due to his illness.

I do not eat a lot traditionally. A blueberry here, a lettuce leaf there, a Starbucks’ scone occasionally…but at least I get food that I can enjoy, even if I do vomit it up later. There are oranges and strawberries and kiwis. There is bread and butter. There are eggs and bacon and sausages. There are croissants, and muffins and danishes. There is toast and jam. There are juices, coffee and tea. But there are no blueberries. I am offered muffins, but there are no scones. I am completely at a loss. The quality of the catering is unbelievably subpar. I must speak with Baz.

Baz has been stressed because of the enormity of this project. We’ve talked about it several times. The money…the expectations…he is in very deep. So, I hesitate to bring this to him. But I know he would expect it. I know he would be shocked to know that I was unable to find anything fit to eat. I’ve had more trouble with the temperature of my ice water…it rose to almost 9 degrees C today waiting for an assistant to finish bandaging someone’s lacerated leg, before he could get me more ice. I was seething.

As always, Baz eases it. He strokes me. He makes love to my temper. He gives me sustenance when no one else can. He is divine. He is extraordinary. He is the man I love. He is the man I crave. He is the man I would take second only to Tommy, my first love. But then, I must return to my trailer to Keith. He says “hi” to me while he is emailing one of his music people in Nashville. He is supposed to be combing my merkin for the love scenes in Sydney and I chastise him for taking time off for HIS music instead of tending to my needs. He apologizes and immediately grabs the comb.

He tells me that after a good sleep I will be a new person…and we fly back to the hotel on the private helicopter. Keith bathes me and rubs my feet. After cutting my toe nails he paints them a deep red. I go to bed feeling better and invigorated.

DAY III
I slept well. I get out of the helicopter to be met by Baz. He wants me to stay on site for a few days, so we can film late at night and early in the morning. He wants me to stay in a tent. A TENT??? WTF!

I am seething. He tells me it’s a huge tent, with running water and electricity and air conditioning. It is so small … 15 feet by 20 feet. True…it is for two nights only and there is electricity, running water and air conditioning, but it IS a tent. And it is far smaller than my standards…and smaller than the requirements in my contract. I look around. The light bulbs are 60 watt…I advise Baz that if they change the light bulbs to 40 watt and a refrigerator with ice is placed IN the tent, I will stay, but for TWO nights and two nights only. And there needs to be an additional tent for Keith, so he has his own space. I feel like I have made a huge concession. I am not someone who expects too much. I am just a regular girl like any other Aussie girl but I do have my standards. Baz seems pleased that I’ve been so willing to stay.

It’s hot all day. A black crow swoops down near where I am standing and I am immediately overtaken by the bad omen it represents. I scream…and faint immediately, waking up to an extra fanning me with his dusty old hat. I’m horrified and have him fired on the spot. Not only did he touch me but he was looking right at me, when I woke up. I felt dirty and had to retire early for a complete sponge bath. Keith is getting quite good at them, and has mastered the art of shaving my legs and underarms.

....to be continued

27 comments:

Choice said...

"To be honest, I am completely ugly. I have tried botox and plastic surgery to improve my looks, but nothing helps. I am not proud of that"

realitycheck said...

choice, adding on to the idiocy of this latest blog entry doesn't make it any more interesting.

I hope Umyths you had a good time writing this because you're doing nothing but preaching to the choir with this bullshite.

Shellsey said...

Why do you go to all this trouble if you do not like Nicole Kidman?
Sadly it must be easier for your to do this than write your own original creative writing.
I gather that you do not respect Keith Urban either.

Choice said...

I'm still unsure why people who dislike this site or its messages, still visit regularly to voice their opinions. Wouldn't you rather visit other blogs? You therefore much get some enjoyment from this blog or you wouldn't keep coming back. Clearly!

ElleMurph said...

I come here hoping to hear more about KU, but alas, another entry about NK?! It's called URBAN myths. Could we get back to the subject here?

urbanfan said...

What I don't get RC is that if you find the blog so idiotic, then why are you among the first to always read it and comment?

Just wondering.

ElleMurph said...

Prove you're NOT Keith urban, RC

ElleMurph said...

and dont give us that crap about "not having to prove anything" blablalba We certainly dont need proof you ARE keith so prove you're NOT him.

notachance said...

If there were no dissenting opinions here the rest of you wouldn't come 'round either. All you would see is, I agree, good blog, etc., etc., etc. After a while it would bore the tears out of you and you would just stop stopping by.

The purpose of the blog is to spur conversation and supposedly "shed light" on otherwise unknown things about KU, unfortunately it has turned into a 99% NK hate site. Sad, because when there is a blog about KU & the quality of his music we can get some good feedback, but once NK is thrown into the mix it turns into a steaming pile of shit.

getaholdofurself said...

"Shut Up & Sing, Keith We Don't Want To Hear About 'YOUR WIFE'"

if keith were reading, he'd laugh his ass off at the irony.

hoosierlady said...

I haven't read any comments yet, before I do, thanks! That was very entertaining, I could almost see one blueberry on a china saucer, the loofa sponge in Keith's hand.

Funny stuff!

hoosierlady said...

We were discussing yesterday about the 'illusion'. Last night I watched a Kyle McLaughlin movie, and I remembered I don't even know who he is married to, and I tried to think, come to think of it, I don't know who a lot of these people are married to, because it's not important.

SHE INTERJECTS HERSELF INTO EVERYTHING. That's why she is constantly being brought to bear in our rants, and the coincidence of her arrival, and his decline, even if it is to keep him on a tight chain so he can recover, (which I don't believe for a minute, every "my wife he utters is to make sure she's mentioned publicly), leaves her and him open for blogs like this.

Again, I have never in my life blogged about anyone, and to be perfectly honest, I shouldn't be doing this, I feel quite ashamed of myself every time I do it, but gee, it's fun, but, since they hang it out there time and time again, I'd hate to disappoint. Any hoo, can't wait for volume two.

Tara said...

It okay to comment on this site no matter who you like..
I don't really care who anyone is
you can take what you want from what they say
the blog is funny- too bad the subject isn't

maclen said...

Excellent job, Urban Myths. I could only get through only a few of those "so called" quotes of "kidman's" diary before succombing to a gag reflect...but this certainly hits the truer spot of her dull head. But of course, this also turns out to be perfect fodder to mock her phoniness, which of course i believe that no one is buying as genuine.

hoosierlady said...

and, while we're on the subject, the name of the blog is Urban Myths, with the subject line, "Shut up and sing we don't want to hear about you're wife", which seems to me to be the perfect description of this blog. We simply bring to light the ongoing, never ending, NK show his career has become.

If you are looking for facts and information regard the life and career of KU, go to wikipedia , or Monkeyville, or his utube site, be it as it may. This is an open forum for discussion regarding the NK asspect of his career, no?

That's why I tuned in, anyway. For the freaky show.

hoosierlady said...

Wait! I'm not done.

RC-I do not care who you are, and, if you go, I cannot imagine to whom my occasional blasts of genuine frustration and complete and utter confusion will be directed at.

Also, everyone, at least, my sister skeptics, of whom I am soooo proud to belong to, (I tear up each time I ponder it), (however, I am 1. disappointed I was never invited to an orgy with the orb and 2. I am disappointed you cannot get a 6 week vacation for m and m abuse), please go back and click on "shellsey" username and check out her blog. I think you'll then understand her attitude toward us.

OK, that's all for now, but I'm always formulating, as you know. I'll be you'll all be happy when I finally find a new job.

Casse Role said...

hoosierlady said...
the subject line, "Shut up and sing we don't want to hear about you're wife", which seems to me to be the perfect description of this blog. We simply bring to light the ongoing, never ending, NK show his career has become.

I would like to ask some of the NK lovers a few questions.
1. Do you think she reads this blog?
2. If she does, do you think she gives a rats ass about it?
3. Do you think she gives a rats ass about her fans who DO read or even post here? (If she does, she knows who are her fans and who aren't)
4.Do you think you are getting points for trying to tell us information about her that we really don't have any use for?
5.Why if this is such a horrible site, a hater site, why continually come here and point that out? We got the message the last 20 times you all posted.

This site was for the KU fans who found it hard to watch the man slip away into someone we don't recognize anymore. (Although again I will say I still love his music and hope he brings us something great in his next cd)

This blog was an escape from the
bunny trail and was meant to bring to life some things that bothered skeptics, fans, etc. (Again this is my opinion and the way I look at the blog)

There may be some back and forth of the same old, same old ...and that could be something planned to try and make us stop posting or even coming here. But just as the NK fans have their right, well we have ours too.

I'd also like to say *I* don't hate her. I just am not a fan.

Now, can we get back to the little chuckles and the OMG's that this blog was meant for. No one is making anyone stay here and read. If you don't like it, don't read it!

Imahick said...

Here here, Casse.

ElleMurph said...

The skeptics dont make this place a car wreck ppl cant drive by and ignore. Everything is fine until the hypocritical prim prissies come in and call everyone strange.

I even despise using that word 'Skeptic'...how about we call ourselves "NON- Gullibles" LOL

Ok, ok, cmon. It gave you a chuckle or a snicker. Admit it!

Imahick said...

I love it...non-gullibles! It certainly fits! Instead of "bunnies and skeptics" ... it's Gullibles and Non-gullibles. LOL

Choice said...

Urban Myths - when will you be releasing the rest of the diary. I am looking forward to Day 4 onwards. It's great. Unlike some people who visit here, I actually appreciate Urban Myths humour and clever writing style. Keep it up!

Urban Myths said...

Part Two was very muddy and looked like it had been stomped on. We're almost done with the deciphering, so hopefully it will be ready to post tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Choice said...

Cool, can't wait. In the meantime,check out Nic's response to the lack of buzz for the film and diary:
http://nicole-kidman-journey.blogspot.com/

maclen said...

Yeah, it seems a brand new trailer for the film Australia was released on halloween, the 31st...but no one noticed until today..as an afterthought. The promos have begun...yet are now beginning to be swamped by the baz's inability to finish the film. Also, the winslet starrer The Reader, formerly the kidman starrer, is now getting into promo mode, and the talk for winslet is how she has the problem of TWO award buzzy films this awards season! Australia is set for full release on the 26th... but the Aussie premiere is supposed to be on the 19th..the LA press junkets were to begin on the 14th and 15th and have now been pushed back to the 20th and 21st... after the Oz premiere...(and when no doubt the bad buzz begins..if the film is ready by then!) and on and on...read the whole story here:

http://weblogs.variety.com/thompsononhollywood/2008/11/australia-where.html

..so tell me this movie doesnt portend miserable and a doomed failure...

Choice said...

Maclen - your link has an interesting link to an article in 'the Australian 2/Nov'. I'm also starting to wonder if Baz is deliberately doing this delay and not letting too many people see it to try and create more attention to it. Do you agree?
In my blog I made reference to the tourism adverts which have not gone down too well here or abroad.

http://nicole-kidman-journey.blogspot.com/2008/11/my-pr-machine-needs-new-batteries.html

hoosierlady said...

http://www.glamour.com/women-of-the-year/2008/nicole-kidman?currentPage=2

Has anyone read this?

It's the same 'ole, same 'ole, Keith, Tom, Sunday, Bella, Conner, she even mentions Katie with a giggle, but then, she brings UNIFEM, from whom I received an email last week, because she has managed to get 300 some thousand of the 1,000,000 signatures she needs by I think it's the end of November?. So she discusses it at length. She is so wonderful, giving of herself this way, especially at this time, when she is soooooooo busy with her new film, and not having a nanny, she only been working on this UNIFEM thing for 2 years to gather these online signatures. Poor Nic. Still, I say, let's ask the Afghan women what UNIFEM has done for them, or the Iranian women, or, how about my personal favorite, the lovely woman of Africa.

OOPS, I'm getting political, and here, I'm not a humanitarian by trade.

This kind of use it when you need to stuff pisses me off.

I do not care what any Gullibles think about it, so don't waste your keystrokes on it.

banbotox said...

I like the Gullibles and NON-Gullibles, nice call Ellemurph.

Casse-good questions but don't hold your breathe for an answer. You'll turn blue and pass out long before you'll get a decent answer, if ever.
Or you'll just get an response that makes as much sense as if kidman answered it herself.