Friday, June 1, 2007

You’re Keith Who?

Part three of the conversations overheard by the minions, minders, and such, on the set of Fugly in the Wind...

Keith is in the mess tent fetching the Queen of Oz her dinner. He starts to chat with the locals and loses track of time. His phone rings.

Keith, looking at his phone: "Uh's my beautiful beautiful princess. (gag) " forgot the time."

NK: "Get to the trailer NOW. I need to eat."

Keith: "Absolutely baby. I'm so sorry. You know that I worship the ground you walk on ... I just lost track of ...."

NK: “Shut up and get over here with my food. And don't mix up my order or you'll be sorry.”

Keith: "Right my what did I write down...jeez, I've lost the piece of paper. What did you specifically forbid me to bring back?”

NK: “You figure it out, moron. But, be careful or you'll be sleeping on the couch again. No fun ‘n games for you.”

Keith: “Don't worry baby. I can remember what you said...there's some beautiful food'll love it. We can have some dessert, too.”

NK: “I want a bottle of white wine with mine. You pick it out.”

Keith: “Well, OK. They always look at me funny when I bring they think I might be drinking again. Maybe you can do without the wine until we get home?”

NK: “I think I was clear that I want wine. Bring it.”

Keith: “, whatever you want. See you in a few minutes.” Keith gets off the phone and smiles at the mayor, apologizing for having to leave so quickly. He choses a spinach salad with a strawberry vinaigrette, a broiled chicken breast and some chocolate covered strawberries.

Mayor: “Well, it's a shame you can't join us, so we can get to know you Keith.”

Keith: “I would like to ... listen, I'll bring this back to my wife and if things go like I plan, I will try to get back to meet some people.”
On entering the trailer, Keith begins apologizing immediately.

NK: “Save it, cretin. Honestly...I send you out to get a simple dinner and you can't even get that right. You're an idiot. What did you bring me in the end?”

Keith: “'s a great spinach salad with a nice light salad dressing and a chicken breast. And for dessert, some special outback berries with chocolate on them.”

NK: “They look like strawberries. You know I could die from eating a strawberry. Just a small amount of strawberry can cause my throat to swell and close up.”

Keith: “Of course, I know that baby. But this salad is really light and these outback berries, although they look like strawberries are very different. I think you'll simply love them to death.”

NK: “OK...I'm starving. Pour me a glass of wine and I'll get started on my salad. If you wish, you may eat with me tonight.”

Shortly after eating her salad, NK's face is somewhat flushed.

NK: “Is is hot in here? I feel warm.”

Keith: “Yes,'s a bit stuffy. But maybe you're just a bit low on your blood sugar. Have an outback berry.”

NK: “Fine...pour me another glass of wine.”

NK pops a chocolate covered strawberry in her mouth, devouring it. She immediately flushes and her face starts to swell.

NK: “Oh...I think this is a strawberry...I think my throat is closing. Get my epi pen.”

Keith: "What was that my love? Oh...Nic you should get color in your face more often…it looks good on you." (NK's face is the color of the strawberries and swollen out of recognition)

NK: gasping...”You moron...those are strawberries. I'm having an allergic reaction here...get my epi pen.”

Keith: “What was that want more outback berries. Sure, I'll pop back and get some more. In the meantime, I'll pour you another glass of wine.”

Keith pours NK another glass of wine, pats her on her swollen distorted head and trots out of the trailer, heading to the mess tent. For the first time in a year, he is grinning ear to ear and the sparkle in his eye is unmistakable…


bringbackkeithurban said...

This is so sad that the former EotY has been reduced to a water boy. I wonder what the extraordinary Nic will have to say in the next installment.

banbotox said...

Hahaha, I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me. Especially love the ending.
Great Job!

notachance said...

While the other two installments were down right funny, this one is more on the side of just plain ole' CREEPY!

Reign it back in there girly, your not-so-secret desire to kill the queen is ruining the story....(there's still so much you could do with this, why ruin/end it now?)

musicmatters said...

If made into a screen play, this is one movie with her in it I'd actually go see.

undecided said...

I held back commenting earlier, thinking that maybe we just find different things funny, but you are really one sick cookie.

maclen said...

Urban myths, this is very creative, and you''ll win some, lose some!
And I would add, its no more offensive, and in fact of higher quality, than any of her latest films.

smellycat said...

You had me right up until the end. Keith would never try to "off" his extraordinary wife. He is too far up her butt, and from what I can tell, he thinks the view is just fine.

notachance said...

urban myths, maybe you needed to collaborate with smellycat on this one. Her take on this was funny....

ugottabekiddin said...

I don't think he/she said Kidman died. I think Keith slipped her a shot from the epipen and then left her in the trailer to recover. I'd like to hear the conversation after she recovered. Man...if he thought he was in trouble before, imagine after!!

Don't get your knickers too knotted's a silly story and it's really pretty funny.

Grace said...

Ok I love Keith... And hate Nicole ever since she took over his life. Sooo... God do I love that ending!