Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Nicole's Hemorrhoid Agony

GOATHERDER'S GAZETTE
by: Heidi Kramer

June 25, 2008

According to close personal friends, Nicole is suffering from agonizing hemorrhoids. In spite of Keith applying Preparation H every two hours, she cannot bear the thought of another day with these painful afflictions.

Keith has been overheard telling his good friend Kenny Chesney "Holy Freaking Hell, she's a miserable b*tch when her ass is sore."

But it doesn't stop the loved up couple going to Starbucks for their early morning coffee stop and then, working out at the gym.

Close friends reveal that Nicole is determined to not let her painful piles keep her from her routine activities...and Keith is committed to applying the anal cream every two hours, night and day.

"It's his lifeline right now. Every time he puts on the ointment, he knows he can have at least 30 minutes to himself, before Nicole starts complaining about something. And Keith is a trouper. He just puts on the gloves and gets at it, when she complains about the anal discomfort. I've only seen him retching and vomiting four or five times so far."


44 comments:

doublewide said...

bravo heidi! simply hilarious!

CJ said...

GOATHERDER'S GAZETTE at UM first spot on google search. Good job. Thanks for the laugh. Ahhh the joys of pregnancy.

maclen said...

Very funny Urban Myths... great satire piece... but in actuality, I'd bet it's the orb who has that pain... and in that location from the stiff he's attached to.

realitycheck said...

Its so pathetic you are resorting to "anal humor". Whats next, a satire on Nicole's episiotomy stitches?

Imahick said...

RC...you're way ahead of us. Are you going to write the post partum blog?

I knew we could count on you to be all offended. You're predictable if nothing else. Get off your high horse, for goodness sake and just enjoy it for the spoof it is. It's harmless humor...she likely does have hemorrhoids. I'm just hoping it's not Keith tending to them. Maybe Wendy gets the honors???

realitycheck said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
realitycheck said...

Humor is great when there's nohateful intentbehind it, and we all know thats whats behind these satires. With this entry it cant be denied that this place is nothing more than another hate site.

Why are none of the skepti-haters demanding the proof UMyths promised?

undecided said...

Why are none of the skepti-haters demanding the proof UMyths promised?

Because sane people don't hate others over their opinions on celebrities?

Because this is entertainment, not journalism?

Because if Lainey can just pull stuff out of her butt, why can't UMyths?

Imahick said...

Undecided said: "Why are none of the skepti-haters demanding the proof UMyths promised?

Because sane people don't hate others over their opinions on celebrities?"

Amen...operative word...sane.

Take note, RC. The bloggers and most of the comments on here are aimed at a celebrity...not at other posters. These are opinions...and the use of skeptihaters tells me that YOU hate the posters. That's something that I think you should consider seeking help for. It's not healthy.

Tara said...

Who can hate the ass?
This is satire about a very boring
story. The worlds longest gestation.
Plus Keith is all too familiar with the ass be it an actual one or acting like one.

CJ said...

Because we don't pay a membership fee for this site therefore it owes us nothing.

Because if we don't like what we get from this site we are free to leave and not come back.

Because it is ultimately up to the individual to make up their own mind not because of what is presented here or anywhere else but in spite of it.

realitycheck said...

undecided, youve just made my point. This site is no better than Lainey who has decided she doesnt like Nicole so its bashing from here till Tuesday. And she does pull crap out of her ass, just like here. And the skeptics applaud it. Thank you for confirming it.

imahick, take a look at the skeptics. You think the terms bunnies, Kool-Aid drinkers and necrophiliacs are terms of endearment. You turned this around on me because there is no good answer that makes the sleptics look good, that validates what this blog is supposed to be about, or why you all stay silent. You are perfectly happy with just bashing, which in turn makes this site no more different or better than any other. You can write all the cutesy little cards and poems and fake interviews you want. But its still nothing better than bashing. Any logical person, whether they like Nicole or not, can see that.

realitycheck said...

"The worlds longest gestation."

That belongs to Angelina Jolie. No one knows if she's even given birth and she's done it on purpose. And its my opinion its not all about protecting the newborns and their privacy.

realitycheck said...

Because we don't pay a membership fee for this site therefore it owes us nothing.

Because if we don't like what we get from this site we are free to leave and not come back.

Because it is ultimately up to the individual to make up their own mind not because of what is presented here or anywhere else but in spite of it.


Because skeptics want a place free of mods and the right to tell people of the opposite opinion to get the hell out.

CJ said...

Last I checked we have the freedom to talk positively and negatively about anyone we want as long as we don't post blatant known lies. If we want to bash NK we can if we want to. Since her private life, that she parades in front of the cameras and interviewers, is more funny than any of her recent movies we have the right to laugh away. Opinions are like noses: we all have them and they don't do anything for anyone other than the owner. If you don't like our opinions tough. You can't change them and no amount of preaching is going to do any good. Hope it makes you feel better because we don't care.

Casse Role said...

Can you Chill for a moment RC? If you don't like the ramblings here, why ARE you bothering to read them? I can understand giving your opinion on the subject at hand. But now YOU are bashing the posters.
I can also understand sticking up for your celebrity, but it almost seems as if you want to try and keep others from posting here, why is that? What will you get out of that?
You do realize that with the last thing you wrote you actually added some dark humor yourself. SHAME ON YOU!

"realitycheck said...
Its so pathetic you are resorting to "anal humor". What's next, a satire on Nicole's episiotomy stitches?"

realitycheck said...

"If you don't like our opinions tough. You can't change them and no amount of preaching is going to do any good. Hope it makes you feel better because we don't care."


Same goes for you in regards to what i think about your opinion.

realitycheck said...

"Can you Chill for a moment RC? If you don't like the ramblings here, why ARE you bothering to read them? I can understand giving your opinion on the subject at hand. But now YOU are bashing the posters."

I get bashed here, the fans of KU and NK get bashed here. And most if not all of you read and watch interviews by NK even though you dont like anything about her. We know the writers of this blog do because thats where they get their material. So your argument doesnt hold water.

realitycheck said...

"You do realize that with the last thing you wrote you actually added some dark humor yourself. SHAME ON YOU!"


Its not dark humor. Its showing the ridiculous extent this blog will go just to get a new blog entry in.

Imahick said...

I feel for you RC. You should turn the lights down and do some breathing exercises. I wonder if your blood pressure is up?

Don't sweat it. Here, people are sharing opinions on NK and Keith. Not all of us share the same opinions, which you'd know if you bothered to read them instead assuming we all "hate" them.

I don't bash other posters. I am concerned for you, because you seem so angry and offended by the posts. You should relax and realize that these are opinions, and it's as simple as that. This is a blog site...it is meant for this purpose. If that upsets you so much, you would be better off finding a site that is more supportive of NK. You won't find much of that here.

You can post your opinions of Keith and NK...but why do you feel the need to post the hateful posts toward the bloggers and the others here? In all honesty, it makes you sound very bitter and hateful yourself, which I suspect would not be how you want to be portrayed.

As far as this satire...I think NK is pregnant and I wouldn't doubt that she has hemorrhoids. I am hopeful that Keith isn't having to tend to them, though! There...not hateful at all. Just the honest to goodness truth.

undecided said...

undecided, youve just made my point. This site is no better than Lainey who has decided she doesnt like Nicole so its bashing from here till Tuesday. And she does pull crap out of her ass, just like here. And the skeptics applaud it. Thank you for confirming it.

What point did you make, that I confirmed? The real point is that you called out for skeptic-haters to demand answers from the skeptics and my point is why? Who cares? Laugh at what's funny and ignore the rest. Nothing that's said here changes what I make for dinner.

Lainey printed skeptic BS until she realized her sources were bogus. Now she just makes it up. At least this blog accepts comments, she's too chicken to allow it.

banbotox said...

Great blog UM!!
I wonder if I should buy stock in Prep H...I bet sales will sky rocket now that the word is out she is a user...teehee.

wastedemotion said...

RC-
I posted this elsewhere and you ignored it so brining it here cause it applies:
I'd love to listen to what you have to say but when it's always filled with insults, and nagging I cant help but turn a deaf ear.....you want the truth from UM and the other bloggers here....give the same in return, dont spout of what you believe to be true as the gospel. I've never once felt like anything written here was forced down my throat, I've never felt like I had to beleive it, I've always felt like it was another side to a many sided story which I had to piece together.
I just dont understand why you continue to post here....you're not willing to talk, you just want to make everyone here feel like shit cause they might not like Nicole and might say some not so nice things about her....I bet there are a dozen people here that you could have a great adult conversation with if you'd just be willing to give and take.....not everyone here is a bad person, and I really think you'd have some interesting conversations if you'd be willing to be open to it and I also bet you'd find more people than not could have an open minded conversation with you.....
You cant honestly tell me you never said a bad thing about one person in your life.....honestly you cant tell me there isnt someone you dont like that you've had bad thoughts about......be honest.

dove said...

realitycheck said...
"Same goes for you in regards to what i think about your opinion."


RC, you just don't get it, do you? no-one cares what you think about them personally; no-one even cares what you think about NK or KU, nor does anyone really care what other commentators have to say about their 'takes' on the media circus and its clowns; who even cares what we ourselves THINK. it is just one big mind-created ego-centric 'ball-game' with everyone vying to be the 'best', the 'rightest', smartest, youngest-looking, least hateful, most popular wahdahwahdah. All of our earthly pastimes are one great big illusion - trouble is, some people take that 'illusion' all too seriously. As Eckhart Tolle says; stop being a human [ego, mind] and start being a being [awareness and presence].

I like UMyths because it knows how to have fun. The title says it all. Myths!!! myths debated debunked or debought. and don't forget, RC, a blog is a PERSONAL DIARY made public. YOU need to respect the creator of it!!! and realise that you are a guest, along with the other 'guests'!

BTW UM - could you please post the names of the posters of "deleted comments". Be interesting to see who is being beyond acceptable.

Urban Myths said...

Dove, comments are only deleted by the commentor, not the admin. Since it's not possible to edit comments already posted, I would think some comments are deleted due to misspellings, etc., then reposted by the commentor.

UM

notachance said...

I was not going to comment on this one, but I have to admit, the asses win this round - no if's, and's or BUTT's!!

And even though some may think Lainey pulls sh*t out of her ass, seems to me most of it ends up as validated somewhere down the line. And for the record, I don't think she *hates* NK, I just think she's jealous (pretty much a theme with here blogs, not just on NK) because every blog is tempered with positive things.

wastedemotion said...
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wastedemotion said...

Why does everyone try to pull the jealous card.....Lainey is neither full of shit, or jealous (maybe of Victoria Beckham) but not NK, never.

notachance said...

OH wasted, read into Lainey - she most definitely has a green vein or two for NK.

I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with a little jealousy, it can make us strive to better ourselves. That is the underlying basis of competition after all.

wastedemotion said...

nota-
We're gonna have to agree to disagree, I've been reading Lainey for years and have never once sensed jealousy from her in regards to NK.....Im sure she'll get wind of this and maybe she'll comment.

hesaweiner said...

undecided, youve just made my point.

The only point I see with you is on your head and right below it, it says DUNCE!

I think you take this blog entirely way to serious. So much so, that it comes off as if your life depended on defending them. That in itself is quite disturbing. There is nothing wrong with having your own opinions, but with your highly charged emotions involved and being so uptight with it, you come across as mentally disturbed.

I'm not saying to go away, but you certainly should try taking a breather. Maybe sit and evaluate why you feel the need to be here and defend supposed strangers so adamatly, that your willing to appear psychotic.

don't believe the lies said...

realitycheck said...
"The worlds longest gestation."

That belongs to Angelina Jolie. No one knows if she's even given birth and she's done it on purpose. And its my opinion its not all about protecting the newborns and their privacy.

From the time you found out about Angelinas pregnancy there was never really any questions about when they'd be born. It was always July. I think the only question was if she was having twins and maybe if she'd go full term as most women carrying twins don't. BTW, there are "new" pictures of her out looking very much pregnant.

With Nicoles pregnancy they kept changing the dates/months. I still don't believe she's preggers but thats just my opinion. Too many things that she's done and the way she looks makes me think that she is not.

undecided said...

notachance, the reason some of Lainey's stuff gets validated way down the line is because she is so vague with her statements,IMO.

I also think her cackling about how she was right about Heath Ledger's drug use after he was dead was tasteless and cruel.

Lisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa said...

What's with all the references to the word 'Gentle' we've had from this past weeks' KU news alerts?? Has he HARMED someone?

Seems like a major cover up

maclen said...

Lisa said...
"What's with all the references to the word 'Gentle' we've had from this past weeks' KU news alerts?? Has he HARMED someone?
Seems like a major cover up"

Just read a few of those stories... "marriage to the orb more "gentle" than marriage to cruise". Must be kidman kode for mundane, blaise...ho hum...exactly the type of personality she can easily influence for her ongoing and constant PR campaigns without a note of defiance.

CJ said...

Gossip Girls have the anniversary day pictures. They both look miserable - not a smile for either of them. You'd think they'd be happy making it through two years of marriage.

maclen said...

Yikes... GG photo ops... the dreary side to pregnancy. She sure wasnt kidding about it not being about being attractive! Kidman would make a perfect poster model for a anti teen pregnancy campaign. "Kids, this is you pregnant"...reaction: "gasp!! And once again I have to point out, this kid will do with out mothers milk... I'd swear her implants have shrunk... but then I'm not too surprised, not much nutrients in her emaciated, botox, collogen infested and silicone body.

doublewide said...

Kids, this is you pregnant"...reaction: "gasp!!

you're crackin me up maclen!

maclen said...

...ps...

Just noticed the ultra classy kidman scratching her ass and her claw clutching the water bottle... recycled photo ops? GG must not have gotten the love from the inept team kidman... but they are still in shill mode... "they couldnt be happier!"

maclen said...

Yes, doublewide, kidman is in danger of not only sinking her own attempts at positive buzz, but also of putting women off of having kids... she gives the "barefoot and pregnant redneck" stereotype a good run for it's money with these raw boned photo ops...

Tara said...

Those shots must have been taken right after Keith put the Prep H to work on her.

so so happy and in love
aren't they??

maclen said...

Well tara, kidman certainly is worse for the wear, isn't she? Those supposedly "new" anniversay photo ops at GG yesterday, which I still suspect as being the older pics...(I havent bothered to check actually)... she is looking pretty weathered and not at all "glowing", nor does she look appealing at all. I think the episode of seinfeld which rightfully mocked george costanza for wearing a workout "sweat suit" in public had it dead right... it's for losers...

banbotox said...

maclen, Keith has said it only takes her a minute to get ready and by the looks of her...it probably only takes 30 seconds to pull that mess onto her head and throw on work out clothes.

Wonder if this is what Keith signed on for??