Keith Urban ("Keith Urban #1") has filed a lawsuit against every other Keith Urban on the face of the planet, charging that they are attempting to infringe on his name and reputation for their own profit. The recent lawsuit follows closely on the heels of last week's accusation against the owner of www.keithurban.com who is also named Keith Urban (“Keith Urban #2”) and uses his website to peddle his wares. Keith Urban #1 has demanded that Keith Urban #2 take down his website which was started in 1999, before anyone allegedly knew who Keith Urban #1 was, and is trying to effectively force him to relinquish all rights to the domain name.
A statement prepared by Keith Urban #2 on Monday was released to the press and reveals Keith Urban #2's plan to countersue Keith Urban #1 for defamation of character and emotional trauma brought on as a result of constant tabloid exposure including detailed affairs with groupies and porn stars, stints in rehab, and kiddie rides at the carnival with a shiny faced and flowery pigtailed wife who acts as if she is easily scared by people with cameras in parking garages in LA yet pulls her car off the road to scream a very unladylike “F*ck you Jamie!” at photographers while holidaying in Australia.
Keith Urban #2 cites the tabloid stories for his recent earnings downturn, nasty emails from art lovers, and the alienation of his family. When asked for a comment about the tabloid stories that have destroyed Keith Urban #2’s life, Keith Urban #1 replied with a smirk, “I don’t read them. And neither should you.”
Today it was also discovered that Keith Urban #1 also plans to sue the following websites:
along with suing 1,298 other Keith Urbans who dared to allow their parents to name them Keith Urban when they were born.
According to Keith Urban #1’s lawyer, the first leg of websites and innocent persons due to be sued has been announced but in no particular order. He requests that you check Keith Urban #1’s website every Friday through out the summer for updates and presale juror dates. Only 3 or 4 dates will be released every week. This is to keep the phone calls at the Law Office minimal so as not to cause him to work too hard on any given day as he is still dealing with the repercussions of amandawyattgate.
Once Ticketmaster begins to sell presale jury tickets, it can’t be guaranteed that you will get a spot on the jury. But maybe you might get a seat in the parking lot and you will be thankful for it or else you will be banned from the esteemed establishment for being an ungrateful demon who dared to think your $25 was worth anything to begin with!
Meanwhile we return to our initial story, where we visit with an unsuspecting 6 year old Keith Urban ("Keith Urban #3) from Minnesota, who, after our phone call, sits nervously at home with his cookies and milk, awaiting the delivery of court papers (which he knows will eventually come) accusing him of deliberately infringing on #1’s musician name and ordering that #3 change his name to Kevin or Kyle or Kiefer in addition to forking over his birth certificate that legally names him as "Keith Urban".
When we spoke to Keith Urban #3 by phone, he could only say in between sniffles and sobs and bites of oreo cookies that he hopes his dad can afford to hire him a good lawyer because he's too young to go to jail and that he also doesn't like the choice of names Keith Urban #1 picked out for him but added that he would settle for something like Rambo or G.I. Joe or Dora the Explorer.