Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Letter from Keith to Kenny Chesney

Eureka! A special contact has provided us with a letter that Keith wrote to Kenny for his 40th birthday. Keith was unable to attend the party, as he was in Australia at the time. A book full of letters from all of Kenny's friends was presented to him at the party. It is our privilege at UM to be able to share Keith's letter with you.

Dearest Kenneth,
When I heard it was your 40th birthday, my extraordinary wife and I wanted to extend our sincere best wishes to you. How lovely that you are celebrating with your good friends in Nashville, the city in which I live with my beautiful wife a lot. In fact, much more than many people think...we are actually sleeping in our own beds...errhhh...bed when we are in Nashville.

I certainly would have enjoyed attending your birthday celebration, but my wife has asked me to stay in Australia and varnish her toe nails, so I am unable to be there. I’m not sure if you are aware, but my wife is very very pregnant, and so, she is often in fear and needs to have me nearby. At times, she has trouble even throwing an ashtray across the room, she is in such fear.

I found myself reminiscing about our great times while on tour. I recall when we were touring in 2004, that we partied and made great music together. I am reminded regularly by mutual friends that we share a lot of happy memories. I do remember the great Harley you gave me and will never forget that act of kindness. Unfortunately, my wife won’t let me actually retrieve any other memories as they are not suitable to our current social status. So…although I cannot discuss any other specific memories, I am grateful that we spent that time together and probably had a blast.

As you may be are aware, I am going to be a father this summer, sometime. I am not sure exactly when this blessed event is going to happen. In fact, I didn’t actually impregnate my lovely wife in the biblical sense, but I did provide a gift into a small cup and apparently, via a special basting procedure, the miracle of conception has taken place. It is truly dreamy, (My wife’s words, actually). When she brings forth the child inside, we can enjoy parenthood, with the assistance of numerous nannies. I felt her stomach for the first time recently and although I did not feel the baby move, I did feel the rubbery consistency of her pregnant abdomen, and my wife assured me that all pregnant women have an abdomen like that. I learn something everyday from her. She is extraordinary. I am thrilled just to carry her cavernous white bag and straw hat, and when she allows me to paint her toe nails, I feel FANTASTIC.

But enough about me. It’s your birthday and although I’d like to attend your birthday party, I am actually playing a show in Australia that night. My wife will hopefully attend and if she can stay awake for the concert, I will be able to wax her pubic region after the concert and give her a good cleansing in the form of a warm enema. She is just so extraordinary, that I can’t express how much gratitude I have to be with her and carry her things for her and to have somehow impregnated her with our child and be able to sit on her movie sets for hours at a time, watching her attempt to move her brow and express true emotion.

In closing Kenneth, if my wife will allow it, I will attempt to call you on your special day and extend my congratulations. I look forward to the shows we are doing together this summer. If you are reading this yourself, I want you to know that I need you to read the following very very carefully. If you can read backwards, that would also help.

Yawa teg ot etarepsed ma I dna elociN deman hctib ytsap a yb lliw ym tsniaga dleh gnieb m’I, em pleH.

In sobriety and with sincere somberness,

Keith Urban-Kidman

15 comments:

doublewide said...

oh, i'm just cheering at this one! the backwards sentence is just STELLAR

bravo to the writer!

Lisa said...

*wipes tears* OMG I cannot breathe.

Whatever said...

I nearly choked on my drink when I got to the backwards line! Bravo!

Awakenings said...

LOL isn't life peachey?

maclen said...

Yeah, the backwards message was a hilarious touch... no doubt underwood also recieved a similar letter... and also nelly furtado later this year will most likely recieve one if chesney cant save the orb.

music said...

Now that was funny! Kudos to the writer

notachance said...

What a shame the writers of this blog don't pursue writing a dramedy novel - they are so good at making shit up!

isitoveryet said...

It's all about Kidman! We already knew that. Too bad the boys couldn't have been together for their 40th birthdays, but we pretty much know why that couldn't happen!

White Trash said...

I think the skeptics are getting quite "desperate" with their assanine songs and make believe letters. Though I have to say, they're all quite amusing. Serious...no, but entertaining yes!

ShutUpAndSing said...

They are made to be entertaining and not serious. We have to laugh or we'll cry..

BTW..cudos to the writer..lol

lightsourceyoga said...

This is great, love the sarcasm this writer uses, sad part is that underneath what appears funny is a lot of truth. Love the last sentence, very original, maybe he can use it someday!

biteme said...

OMG! That is hilarious. I have not laughed this out loud in awhile. Kudos to the author on this one.

banbotox said...

Made me laugh out loud.

!lcairetsyH

realitycheck said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
realitycheck said...

"I think the skeptics are getting quite "desperate" with their assanine songs and make believe letters. Though I have to say, they're all quite amusing. Serious...no, but entertaining yes!"

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Im not laughing at the letter. Im laughing at Umyths desperation, which is funnier than any tired joke they can come up with about KUNK's marriage!

It would be one thing if these fake letters and songs were here every couple of months but their frequency is increasing. I wonder why that is? LOL